I've alluded to this topic many....many times before.
About six weeks ago I felt overcome by fatigue of the rut I had dug myself into. Sure, there has been a lot on my plate to manage....and sure, there are things going on that are out of my control. BUT, my frustration was coming from my own lack of discipline across many layers of life. I was disappointed that I wasn't getting done what I wanted to get done...nor was I accomplishing "goals" I had set in my head.
After pouring out my frustrations with my husband I realized that so much of my frustrations were from areas of life that while they felt like they were out of my control, there were things I could do to improve in them.
I've made lofty goals before and failed miserably. Mostly because I've set goals out of selfish ambition, pridefully seeking out my own self-interests and ignoring what God would desire of my time and talent.
So, like in all areas of planning in my life....I made a spreadsheet.
I identified nearly 20 areas/goals/domains that I either wanted to maintain or improve on.....
And then for six weeks, I prayed through that list. Over and over again not just recognizing the "area", but the importance behind it. Why do I REALLY want a clean home? Is it to look impressive/be able to brag/make myself feel better than other moms? Or do I want to create a peaceful environment for my family?
I am ashamed to admit that goal-setting for me can often be a prideful practice....in which I can quickly see it as a way to "one-up" the person I might be envious of that day. Which is why I sat on this list for six weeks...and prayed for God to reveal to me what areas HE wanted to work on....what areas HE felt needed to be addressed....why HE felt it was important to get some things in order.
It's been a fruitful time of discovery. Ironically during these last several weeks, a blog I love has also been doing a series on personal discipline---and I've been re-reading Five Smooth Stones for a discipleship group at church.
The theme for me is clear.
You make time for what is important to you.
I wouldn't dream of not checking my facebook/email/pinterest/blogs for a day.....or skipping watching TV...or putting down that book that is such a good read. But ask me when the last time was that I spent a great deal of time (say, everyday for a week?) studying scripture and I'll quickly tell you I just don't have time. I don't need a "self help" book to tell me what's wrong with that equation.
It's embarassing, but true. You make time for what is important to you.
There is SO much that begs for my attention during a given day---mostly good things in moderation. But it is easy to let those things be what fills me up/relaxes me....and it's even easier to allow those things to take over my time in my life.
I'm not sure I'll ever be in a position to blog about these 20 areas---but in the weeks coming up, I have plans in place to start getting back into a better groove...whether it be coupons, housekeeping, savings or quality time with my husband.
It feels good---this time around---to have my focus for change rooted in the one who has changed me.
Showing posts with label getting it "right". Show all posts
Showing posts with label getting it "right". Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
these boots were made for walkin'....
Clever, no? Well, boots aren't really the topic of this post.
See these beauties? These were picked out amongst hundreds of other options in my quest to find the perfect wedding shoes. The hunt began right around this time three years ago. I purchased several options...only to return them after a second glance. But these shoes made the cut...and today they sit perched on a shelf in my closet....at the perfect height for my toddler to grab them and play with.
Like most engaged couples, we struggled with focusing on the fact that we weren't just preparing for a wedding...but for a marriage. These shoes are just one example where emphasis might have been placed heavily on items that truly had little importance after August 16th, 2008. On Saturday mornings we'd gather in our Pastor's home and I'd gush over wedding favors, flowers & the invitations...and while our Pastor and his wife were excited along with us, they were also quick to continually remind us that the wedding is one day....and we ought to be pouring more (or at least just as much!) focus into the lifelong commitment we were going to be making.
They were right.
And...we knew that. Quite honestly I think we did pretty well with the balance.
Something lately has triggered my mind to remember those comments nearly three years ago. I suppose it's the fact that my daughter takes every opportunity to pull those shoes (and many more) off my shelf and stomp around during the day. The very fact that I was spending my days pouring over shoe options nearly three years ago, and today I'm searching for the best grocery deals, diaper deals & googl-ing how to remove mud stains from kids clothes....that right there shows how different my life has become.
I had only known my now husband a year (dated 8 months) before I said "I do." We became pregnant two months later...and on our second anniversary we were celebrating with our one-year old daughter & I was battling morning sickness from baby number two.
We skipped a lot of the newlywed stage...heck, we skipped a lot of the dating stage. I don't regret it, but it did put us on the "fast track" to dealing with real life. Baby number one didn't shake our lives up too much, but with baby number two & a toddler fighting for our attention, we're forced to face the facts.
Marriage is beautiful & marriage is HARD.
I love my husband more than I ever could have imagined, but I am a selfish, sinful person that is married to another selfish, sinful person. We both own that fact....and we are both painfully working through that fact in order to love each other more intentionally & seek God's will for our marriage. And I'll be honest, there are days that I wish I could return...or at least would have treasured more...the time when finding the perfect wedding shoes was my biggest worry, when sleeping in meant past 10am & when I could go to the bathroom without having an audience.
While those shoes may have brought me down the aisle.. it's God's grace that is bringing me through marriage.
See these beauties? These were picked out amongst hundreds of other options in my quest to find the perfect wedding shoes. The hunt began right around this time three years ago. I purchased several options...only to return them after a second glance. But these shoes made the cut...and today they sit perched on a shelf in my closet....at the perfect height for my toddler to grab them and play with.
Like most engaged couples, we struggled with focusing on the fact that we weren't just preparing for a wedding...but for a marriage. These shoes are just one example where emphasis might have been placed heavily on items that truly had little importance after August 16th, 2008. On Saturday mornings we'd gather in our Pastor's home and I'd gush over wedding favors, flowers & the invitations...and while our Pastor and his wife were excited along with us, they were also quick to continually remind us that the wedding is one day....and we ought to be pouring more (or at least just as much!) focus into the lifelong commitment we were going to be making.
They were right.
And...we knew that. Quite honestly I think we did pretty well with the balance.
Something lately has triggered my mind to remember those comments nearly three years ago. I suppose it's the fact that my daughter takes every opportunity to pull those shoes (and many more) off my shelf and stomp around during the day. The very fact that I was spending my days pouring over shoe options nearly three years ago, and today I'm searching for the best grocery deals, diaper deals & googl-ing how to remove mud stains from kids clothes....that right there shows how different my life has become.
I had only known my now husband a year (dated 8 months) before I said "I do." We became pregnant two months later...and on our second anniversary we were celebrating with our one-year old daughter & I was battling morning sickness from baby number two.
We skipped a lot of the newlywed stage...heck, we skipped a lot of the dating stage. I don't regret it, but it did put us on the "fast track" to dealing with real life. Baby number one didn't shake our lives up too much, but with baby number two & a toddler fighting for our attention, we're forced to face the facts.
Marriage is beautiful & marriage is HARD.
I love my husband more than I ever could have imagined, but I am a selfish, sinful person that is married to another selfish, sinful person. We both own that fact....and we are both painfully working through that fact in order to love each other more intentionally & seek God's will for our marriage. And I'll be honest, there are days that I wish I could return...or at least would have treasured more...the time when finding the perfect wedding shoes was my biggest worry, when sleeping in meant past 10am & when I could go to the bathroom without having an audience.
While those shoes may have brought me down the aisle.. it's God's grace that is bringing me through marriage.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Breastfeeding won't earn me a spot in Heaven & having an epidural won't keep me out...
I’ve been absent lately…or for the last month…but who is counting? I’d make excuses, but there’s no need. My family needs me---and that right there is why my computer gets left closed sometimes for days in a row lately. (Thank goodness for an iphone that still allows me to be “plugged” in for email & facebook while nursing Jack..)
I’d love to say it’s been just peachy here & that we are all well rested and adjusting to a new family member quite well. But that wouldn’t be true, and exhaustion just somehow forces honesty in me…so to be quite candid, it’s been chaos here for the last month.
Total chaos.
We are living in a home that looks like laundry (and my pantry) threw up in it, dealing with a baby who may have colic, reflux or both, trying to love on a toddler who is entering that independent & defiant stage, struggling to find time to nurture our marriage, working on plans to deal with financial burdens, hoping for rest & healing for Jack & myself and mostly just trying to “survive.”
I desire for my husband to be greeted by happy kids, a picked up home & a put-together wife. But most days I’m passing one (or both) kids off in order to clean puke off myself or wipe fresh “mom tears” from my face. Thankfully, he doesn’t have set expectations like I do…or if he does, he isn’t sharing them with me. J
But that brings me back to the point of this post. I, like my most mothers, have to fight against the comparison game every single day. Most of the time I win that battle, because quite frankly, my husband and I are convinced that we are parenting in the ways we know best. But exhaustion sets in & I quickly find myself frustrated, discouraged & often angry that I don’t have it all together, that nursing is a harder road for us than some, that my kids have no idea what a “schedule” is, that I can’t seem to love my husband well “enough”, that my daughter has spent more time watching Word World in the last month than I’ve spent reading books with her, & that despite my best attempts---I’m not, and never will be, June-stinkin’- Cleaver.
And so I fold. Or that’s at least my metaphor at the moment, and honestly, a common theme in my blogging. And not in a “I give up” sort of way, but in a “I’m going to be REAL honest and admit that I can’t do it all, & shouldn’t even try” sort of way. Part of that is recognizing that when I attempt to love my husband & my children relying solely on my own strength that I fail miserably…the other part is knowing that God is faithful to not just help me “survive” through these days…but really thrive through these days.
So, when I see the box of unopened Easter Egg dye because Mommy had an “Oh! Easter is TOMORROW???” moment, or my daughter’s laundry basket full of pj’s only because we never got into “real” clothes at all last week, or when I painfully follow the doctor’s advice and lay my screaming kid down in his crib just so I can have a break….
I remind myself that I’m not being compared in His eyes to the mom down the street that can “do it all.”
I remind myself that my husband loves me, whether or not I’m covered in spit up.
I remind myself that my daughter won’t remember whether or not we dyed easter eggs when she was 21 months old.
I remind myself that I’ll be a better mom when I lay my son down and “take a break”
I remind myself that, it’s ok to cry….and it’s even more ok to be totally real about a situation.
But mostly, I’m working really hard to remind myself that His grace is the ONLY way my husband and I are going to be successful in marriage & successful as parents.
And that might be the hardest reminder of all.
I’d love to say it’s been just peachy here & that we are all well rested and adjusting to a new family member quite well. But that wouldn’t be true, and exhaustion just somehow forces honesty in me…so to be quite candid, it’s been chaos here for the last month.
Total chaos.
We are living in a home that looks like laundry (and my pantry) threw up in it, dealing with a baby who may have colic, reflux or both, trying to love on a toddler who is entering that independent & defiant stage, struggling to find time to nurture our marriage, working on plans to deal with financial burdens, hoping for rest & healing for Jack & myself and mostly just trying to “survive.”
I desire for my husband to be greeted by happy kids, a picked up home & a put-together wife. But most days I’m passing one (or both) kids off in order to clean puke off myself or wipe fresh “mom tears” from my face. Thankfully, he doesn’t have set expectations like I do…or if he does, he isn’t sharing them with me. J
But that brings me back to the point of this post. I, like my most mothers, have to fight against the comparison game every single day. Most of the time I win that battle, because quite frankly, my husband and I are convinced that we are parenting in the ways we know best. But exhaustion sets in & I quickly find myself frustrated, discouraged & often angry that I don’t have it all together, that nursing is a harder road for us than some, that my kids have no idea what a “schedule” is, that I can’t seem to love my husband well “enough”, that my daughter has spent more time watching Word World in the last month than I’ve spent reading books with her, & that despite my best attempts---I’m not, and never will be, June-stinkin’- Cleaver.
And so I fold. Or that’s at least my metaphor at the moment, and honestly, a common theme in my blogging. And not in a “I give up” sort of way, but in a “I’m going to be REAL honest and admit that I can’t do it all, & shouldn’t even try” sort of way. Part of that is recognizing that when I attempt to love my husband & my children relying solely on my own strength that I fail miserably…the other part is knowing that God is faithful to not just help me “survive” through these days…but really thrive through these days.
So, when I see the box of unopened Easter Egg dye because Mommy had an “Oh! Easter is TOMORROW???” moment, or my daughter’s laundry basket full of pj’s only because we never got into “real” clothes at all last week, or when I painfully follow the doctor’s advice and lay my screaming kid down in his crib just so I can have a break….
I remind myself that I’m not being compared in His eyes to the mom down the street that can “do it all.”
I remind myself that my husband loves me, whether or not I’m covered in spit up.
I remind myself that my daughter won’t remember whether or not we dyed easter eggs when she was 21 months old.
I remind myself that I’ll be a better mom when I lay my son down and “take a break”
I remind myself that, it’s ok to cry….and it’s even more ok to be totally real about a situation.
But mostly, I’m working really hard to remind myself that His grace is the ONLY way my husband and I are going to be successful in marriage & successful as parents.
And that might be the hardest reminder of all.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
"you're a good mom..."
I turned and looked at him, stunned by what I just heard. Surely he wasn't talking to me...but then again I was the only mom in the car & he wasn't on his cell phone....
"What?"
He repeated, "you're a good mom. I love how you are with Lucy & how you interact with her."
"thanks," I replied...still pretty shocked. How I interact with her? Does he recognize that Lucy is the one I'm often correcting while on the phone with him? Lucy, get out of the trash...Lucy, we don't play with pads & pantiliners.....Lucy, you've already ate three yogurts today....Lucy, I'm sorry I broke your heart....but it's not okay to eat dryer lint...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The day after this short conversation with my husband on the way home from church just happened to be Valentine's Day. Lucy had taken a GREAT nap (2 hours!) & was in a GREAT mood. I decided we'd make sugar cookies and decorate them for Daddy.
Problem.
I don't know how to make sugar cookies...or frosting.... I did manage to track down a recipe for frosting quickly & I just used a pre-packaged mix for the cookies. Second problem: I only had a star shaped cookie cutter.... 3rd problem: I was missing my egg beaters & measuring spoons....
The cookies burned (I assumed they likely would), the frosting was lumpy & I guessed while measuring ingredients. I had flour from one end of my kitchen to the other---and I was covered as well. (note: it is not attractive to cover your clothes in flour when you're trying to look cute for your husband on Valentine's Day).
I positioned Lucy in her high chair and tried my best to get her to actually decorate cookies...but she was far more interested in eating sprinkles, frosting & even the cookies. She wrapped her lips around the sprinkles and treated herself & figured out if she shook them hard enough, they'd spray up in the air and fall down. Sprinkles soon covered her tray, fingers & my kitchen floor. The photos captured the moment perfectly.
And then....my husband walked in the door. He kissed me (as always), told me Happy Valentine's Day & said...
"see, you're a good mom..."
And you know what? I believed him. I've lost my patience a lot lately and not been as gentle with my daughter as I need to be. I've felt frustration over her temper tantrums, teething & never-ending colds. I've placed my needs above hers....and I've wished away some days.
But, that day....that day I WAS a good mom. I didn't have an agenda, I didn't let my expectations get the best of me, I didn't let the mess bother me & I didn't care about the finished product.
I focused on the journey to getting to the finished....albeit, messy, product.
And it was a very fun journey....
"What?"
He repeated, "you're a good mom. I love how you are with Lucy & how you interact with her."
"thanks," I replied...still pretty shocked. How I interact with her? Does he recognize that Lucy is the one I'm often correcting while on the phone with him? Lucy, get out of the trash...Lucy, we don't play with pads & pantiliners.....Lucy, you've already ate three yogurts today....Lucy, I'm sorry I broke your heart....but it's not okay to eat dryer lint...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The day after this short conversation with my husband on the way home from church just happened to be Valentine's Day. Lucy had taken a GREAT nap (2 hours!) & was in a GREAT mood. I decided we'd make sugar cookies and decorate them for Daddy.
Problem.
I don't know how to make sugar cookies...or frosting.... I did manage to track down a recipe for frosting quickly & I just used a pre-packaged mix for the cookies. Second problem: I only had a star shaped cookie cutter.... 3rd problem: I was missing my egg beaters & measuring spoons....
The cookies burned (I assumed they likely would), the frosting was lumpy & I guessed while measuring ingredients. I had flour from one end of my kitchen to the other---and I was covered as well. (note: it is not attractive to cover your clothes in flour when you're trying to look cute for your husband on Valentine's Day).
I positioned Lucy in her high chair and tried my best to get her to actually decorate cookies...but she was far more interested in eating sprinkles, frosting & even the cookies. She wrapped her lips around the sprinkles and treated herself & figured out if she shook them hard enough, they'd spray up in the air and fall down. Sprinkles soon covered her tray, fingers & my kitchen floor. The photos captured the moment perfectly.
And then....my husband walked in the door. He kissed me (as always), told me Happy Valentine's Day & said...
"see, you're a good mom..."
And you know what? I believed him. I've lost my patience a lot lately and not been as gentle with my daughter as I need to be. I've felt frustration over her temper tantrums, teething & never-ending colds. I've placed my needs above hers....and I've wished away some days.
But, that day....that day I WAS a good mom. I didn't have an agenda, I didn't let my expectations get the best of me, I didn't let the mess bother me & I didn't care about the finished product.
I focused on the journey to getting to the finished....albeit, messy, product.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A toddler lives here...
...a freakishly strong one at that!
Yes, this is what ourliving room entire home looks like much of the time.
(Except from the hours of 8pm-8am when the person responsible for the destruction is tucked in for the night.)
I have a toddler. A VERY active, adventure-seeking, risk-taking, furniture-flipping toddler. I love it. My husband and I giggle as we watch her try and flip over another small piece of furniture...or drag a 10lb turkey across the living room floor. We encourage her to pull out toys, "cook" for us & climb on the boxes of diet coke that used to be stacked up neatly.
A toddler lives here...and call me strange, but I like that it shows. I could worry myself sick about toys being scattered about, not being able to have "nice" things sitting out, or the fact that the toys are usually never ALL picked up. But I don't...because I have a toddler.
...And years from now, I won't. I'll have grown children who have (hopefully) left the nest & aren't scattering toys from every corner of the house. I'll be able to have nice things sitting out & a home that always looks clean & "company ready." Our home will look like only adults live here...because that will be the case.
No need to rush the inevitable.
I can live with a play kitchen in my real kitchen, blocks on my floor, furniture flipped over, animal crackers in the couch cushions and every stinkin' blanket we own gathered into a huge pile in the living room. I can enjoy this season of couch cushions pulled off because apparently it's REALLY fun to do that, magnets shoved in my purse, flashlights in the crib & everything being torn off the fridge.
Because someday, I'm going to miss this....
Yes, this is what our
(Except from the hours of 8pm-8am when the person responsible for the destruction is tucked in for the night.)
I have a toddler. A VERY active, adventure-seeking, risk-taking, furniture-flipping toddler. I love it. My husband and I giggle as we watch her try and flip over another small piece of furniture...or drag a 10lb turkey across the living room floor. We encourage her to pull out toys, "cook" for us & climb on the boxes of diet coke that used to be stacked up neatly.
A toddler lives here...and call me strange, but I like that it shows. I could worry myself sick about toys being scattered about, not being able to have "nice" things sitting out, or the fact that the toys are usually never ALL picked up. But I don't...because I have a toddler.
...And years from now, I won't. I'll have grown children who have (hopefully) left the nest & aren't scattering toys from every corner of the house. I'll be able to have nice things sitting out & a home that always looks clean & "company ready." Our home will look like only adults live here...because that will be the case.
No need to rush the inevitable.
I can live with a play kitchen in my real kitchen, blocks on my floor, furniture flipped over, animal crackers in the couch cushions and every stinkin' blanket we own gathered into a huge pile in the living room. I can enjoy this season of couch cushions pulled off because apparently it's REALLY fun to do that, magnets shoved in my purse, flashlights in the crib & everything being torn off the fridge.
Because someday, I'm going to miss this....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
i (heart) community.
Community.
I'm a fan of it.
From hometown communities---to stay-at-home mom communities---to online blog communities---to Christian Community.
I love what the purpose of being in community with others is supposed to bring. I appreciate the design of community. I enjoy the relationships developed within community.
Simply stated, I heart community.
My husband and I are blessed to be apart of a Church Community in which we are consistently challenged, encouraged & equipped. This year, we have jumped into being involved in a small group within our church community.
We gather (married couples) about twice a month in someone's home.
We joke.
We discuss.
We engage.
We challenge.
We pray.
We encourage.
We learn.
I've always desired to be apart of community like this...where you can share your story & hear someone else's. Where someone is there to encourage you through the messy parts of life & laugh with you when you share about your daughter getting her hair stuck in her snotty nose...(true story.)
I haven't always understood God's design for community & why it's so necessary to be apart of it. I haven't always recognized my need for others to speak into my life, or my need to be able to bear someone else's burdens. I haven't always recognized that being apart of a smaller community is not about having the "best answers" or "praying the most elaborately."
I'm getting it now.
We are meant to do life together.
We NEED to do life together.
....and that's just what I'm trying to do....
I'm a fan of it.
From hometown communities---to stay-at-home mom communities---to online blog communities---to Christian Community.
I love what the purpose of being in community with others is supposed to bring. I appreciate the design of community. I enjoy the relationships developed within community.
Simply stated, I heart community.
My husband and I are blessed to be apart of a Church Community in which we are consistently challenged, encouraged & equipped. This year, we have jumped into being involved in a small group within our church community.
We gather (married couples) about twice a month in someone's home.
We joke.
We discuss.
We engage.
We challenge.
We pray.
We encourage.
We learn.
I've always desired to be apart of community like this...where you can share your story & hear someone else's. Where someone is there to encourage you through the messy parts of life & laugh with you when you share about your daughter getting her hair stuck in her snotty nose...(true story.)
I haven't always understood God's design for community & why it's so necessary to be apart of it. I haven't always recognized my need for others to speak into my life, or my need to be able to bear someone else's burdens. I haven't always recognized that being apart of a smaller community is not about having the "best answers" or "praying the most elaborately."
I'm getting it now.
We are meant to do life together.
We NEED to do life together.
....and that's just what I'm trying to do....
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I'm no June Cleaver....
not. even. close.
I unashamedly gave you a glimpse into our home last week when "real life" happens. (Truth be told, while the mess got picked up, it's pretty much back to the same state.)
I certainly don't have my hair and make-up done up to perfection. I'm not dressed in a cute polka-dot dress (with a an adorable apron tied around my small waist) as I wait for my made from scratch cookies to be cooked to perfection, so that I can sit down with my children at the table for an afternoon heart-to-heart.
no no no no no.
While I did fix my hair this morning (only because I left the house for the first time in days)---my make-up is a wreck and the dark circles are prominent. I was dressed in a cute little outfit, but changed quickly into my husband's sweats when I arrived home. My waist is anything but small at this point and I begged my daughter to take a nap today so that I could rest on the couch. And the cookies? Well, I found an expired pouch of cookie mix in my pantry last weekend and begged my husband to make them.
I am no June Cleaver.
Sometimes I catch myself trying to "brand" myself as a mom---trying to fit some mold of what I think I ought to be--rather than appreciating the kind of mom God has so clearly made me. I dwell on my weaknesses as a wife/mom and forget about the unique strengths I have when it comes to loving MY husband and guiding OUR children.
While I find it important to challenge myself in new areas of homemaking (sewing, cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc...) I'm also learning to recognize that there are certain areas God has really gifted me in & others that are never going to be talents I can claim. And boy, if I could learn that--and remember that---how freeing that would be!
We let our daughter stay up late when she fights her bedtime. I turn on movies on her DVD player when nap time seems elusive. She joins me in bed EVERY morning to watch cartoons while Daddy gets ready for work....and we eat a lot of meals as "picnics" on the living room floor. We have toys from one end of the house to the other (and I love it---even when I stub my toe...because a kid REALLY does live here!). We spend lots of days in our pajamas...and even if she gets dressed it's usually after lunch time. We keep her out late on Friday nights as it's a family "date" night out of the house. We let her use her crib mattress as a slide & I don't get upset (usually) when she decides to empty out her dresser drawers.
A few people have told my husband and I on different occasions that we are very laid-back parents (especially for first-timers.) I never would have classified myself as this, but I suppose I get what they mean.
We do "real life" here. And as much as I love a clean home & routines, they often don't happen...
Because, as I said...I'm no June Cleaver.
I unashamedly gave you a glimpse into our home last week when "real life" happens. (Truth be told, while the mess got picked up, it's pretty much back to the same state.)
I certainly don't have my hair and make-up done up to perfection. I'm not dressed in a cute polka-dot dress (with a an adorable apron tied around my small waist) as I wait for my made from scratch cookies to be cooked to perfection, so that I can sit down with my children at the table for an afternoon heart-to-heart.
no no no no no.
While I did fix my hair this morning (only because I left the house for the first time in days)---my make-up is a wreck and the dark circles are prominent. I was dressed in a cute little outfit, but changed quickly into my husband's sweats when I arrived home. My waist is anything but small at this point and I begged my daughter to take a nap today so that I could rest on the couch. And the cookies? Well, I found an expired pouch of cookie mix in my pantry last weekend and begged my husband to make them.
I am no June Cleaver.
Sometimes I catch myself trying to "brand" myself as a mom---trying to fit some mold of what I think I ought to be--rather than appreciating the kind of mom God has so clearly made me. I dwell on my weaknesses as a wife/mom and forget about the unique strengths I have when it comes to loving MY husband and guiding OUR children.
While I find it important to challenge myself in new areas of homemaking (sewing, cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc...) I'm also learning to recognize that there are certain areas God has really gifted me in & others that are never going to be talents I can claim. And boy, if I could learn that--and remember that---how freeing that would be!
We let our daughter stay up late when she fights her bedtime. I turn on movies on her DVD player when nap time seems elusive. She joins me in bed EVERY morning to watch cartoons while Daddy gets ready for work....and we eat a lot of meals as "picnics" on the living room floor. We have toys from one end of the house to the other (and I love it---even when I stub my toe...because a kid REALLY does live here!). We spend lots of days in our pajamas...and even if she gets dressed it's usually after lunch time. We keep her out late on Friday nights as it's a family "date" night out of the house. We let her use her crib mattress as a slide & I don't get upset (usually) when she decides to empty out her dresser drawers.
A few people have told my husband and I on different occasions that we are very laid-back parents (especially for first-timers.) I never would have classified myself as this, but I suppose I get what they mean.
We do "real life" here. And as much as I love a clean home & routines, they often don't happen...
Because, as I said...I'm no June Cleaver.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
thinking about being thankful.
So perhaps this post is a little...late? To be honest, I wasn't really feeling very thankful leading up to the actual holiday & I'm not sure I'm loaded with thanksgivings right now either.
Now, I am thankful that my family is healthy, my babies are growing (the one on the outside and the one tucked inside for a few more months!), my husband loves me, my marriage is stronger today than it was last year, & right now I'm even thankful to go to bed at night with a clean house.
But to be thankful in the "everday" things, that's where I'm seeming to struggle. I've always been the one to see small blessings in our lives even when our bank account sat empty. I've been the encourager when we had to wait to pay one bill because there was only enough to pay some of the bills. I've even been the one to get really excited when we have money in our bank account at the end of the month, even if it's only a few dollars.
But the truth is, we are not poor. In relation to the world we live in....my husband and I live in such abundance, it's ridiculous that I even consider using the term "we're broke". Don't be fooled, we have heat, a tree with soon-to be presents underneath, meat in our freezer, and an occassional ice cream treat. But, it's a common phrase lately...from our mouths & other mouths. And, that terminology can just leave you feeling REALLY defeated.
November was a tough month, a kick in the face to be brutally honest. Between a lack of pay from my job for the two week vacation I took, a mis-hap in not paying the utility bill from last month, a broken car, broken glasses, etc...it was just a rough month financially. We live on a meager budget (like most we know) & are in a position to have "enough" to just get by. We came home from a wonderful (& budgetted for) vacation....and it's like November chose to take away that joy upon our return. I won't even get into what happened when a certain company turned us into collections saying we owed them $450 for equipment we had RETURNED. (No worries, a government consumer protection agency cleared this up for us a few weeks later)
I spent several evenings in November feeling anything but thankful. We were doing the BEST we could with what we had, why did I feel so...forgotten? Now, maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but I spent a few nights in tears spilling my fears to my husband. He, in turn, kept telling me not to worry about tomorrow. (Ironic role reversal as these were the same things I was saying to him last year...)
And then as November came to a close, I recognized my failure in all of this---something I have avoided quite often. My faith was being put in our bank account, and not in My GOD. I was being blessed ALL around and I couldn't see it because of that small bank total I kept focusing on. My husband and I typically pour out praise over small things when we can see God's hand in it & I was NOT recognizing those things...and had not been for sometime.
So as December started, I did just that....
-We praised God that our in-laws had loaned us their car...and praised him again when my dad volunteered to fix my husband's car, for free.
-We praised God when we found ourselves blessed with several 20% off diaper coupons to amazon & stocked up on diapers for Lucy at the cheapest prices imaginable
-We praised God when we discovered our tree was one of the few decorations that escaped damage during flooding in our garage this winter...even if our ornaments weren't so lucky
-We praised God when he blessed a family member with incredible understanding about our delay in re-paying them
-We praised God when a bill was resolved & a subsequent refund check was sent to our home
-We praised God when my husband fixed his glasses with a popsicle stick
-We praised God when we decorated our home for Christmas with flannel fabric and art canvas
-We praised God when I was able to find items to fill my husband's stocking for free after coupons
-We praised God when we filled our freezers with meals for the next month or so, meat included :)
-We praised God when my current boss for my work at home job emailed me about an additional project she needs help on...that will add around $600 of income a month if it works out...even if it is just a possibility at the moment
-We praised God, not our bank account.
It's all too easy to put our faith in money, possessions, people, job stability, etc....and, oh, what a beating my heart took when I allowed it off course. And what a blessing it is to be getting back to faith in God alone, not our bank account, to provide for our needs....over & over again...
my husband pointed out that I had disallowed anonymous comments, that has now been resolved!
Now, I am thankful that my family is healthy, my babies are growing (the one on the outside and the one tucked inside for a few more months!), my husband loves me, my marriage is stronger today than it was last year, & right now I'm even thankful to go to bed at night with a clean house.
But to be thankful in the "everday" things, that's where I'm seeming to struggle. I've always been the one to see small blessings in our lives even when our bank account sat empty. I've been the encourager when we had to wait to pay one bill because there was only enough to pay some of the bills. I've even been the one to get really excited when we have money in our bank account at the end of the month, even if it's only a few dollars.
But the truth is, we are not poor. In relation to the world we live in....my husband and I live in such abundance, it's ridiculous that I even consider using the term "we're broke". Don't be fooled, we have heat, a tree with soon-to be presents underneath, meat in our freezer, and an occassional ice cream treat. But, it's a common phrase lately...from our mouths & other mouths. And, that terminology can just leave you feeling REALLY defeated.
November was a tough month, a kick in the face to be brutally honest. Between a lack of pay from my job for the two week vacation I took, a mis-hap in not paying the utility bill from last month, a broken car, broken glasses, etc...it was just a rough month financially. We live on a meager budget (like most we know) & are in a position to have "enough" to just get by. We came home from a wonderful (& budgetted for) vacation....and it's like November chose to take away that joy upon our return. I won't even get into what happened when a certain company turned us into collections saying we owed them $450 for equipment we had RETURNED. (No worries, a government consumer protection agency cleared this up for us a few weeks later)
I spent several evenings in November feeling anything but thankful. We were doing the BEST we could with what we had, why did I feel so...forgotten? Now, maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but I spent a few nights in tears spilling my fears to my husband. He, in turn, kept telling me not to worry about tomorrow. (Ironic role reversal as these were the same things I was saying to him last year...)
And then as November came to a close, I recognized my failure in all of this---something I have avoided quite often. My faith was being put in our bank account, and not in My GOD. I was being blessed ALL around and I couldn't see it because of that small bank total I kept focusing on. My husband and I typically pour out praise over small things when we can see God's hand in it & I was NOT recognizing those things...and had not been for sometime.
So as December started, I did just that....
-We praised God that our in-laws had loaned us their car...and praised him again when my dad volunteered to fix my husband's car, for free.
-We praised God when we found ourselves blessed with several 20% off diaper coupons to amazon & stocked up on diapers for Lucy at the cheapest prices imaginable
-We praised God when we discovered our tree was one of the few decorations that escaped damage during flooding in our garage this winter...even if our ornaments weren't so lucky
-We praised God when he blessed a family member with incredible understanding about our delay in re-paying them
-We praised God when a bill was resolved & a subsequent refund check was sent to our home
-We praised God when my husband fixed his glasses with a popsicle stick
-We praised God when we decorated our home for Christmas with flannel fabric and art canvas
-We praised God when I was able to find items to fill my husband's stocking for free after coupons
-We praised God when we filled our freezers with meals for the next month or so, meat included :)
-We praised God when my current boss for my work at home job emailed me about an additional project she needs help on...that will add around $600 of income a month if it works out...even if it is just a possibility at the moment
-We praised God, not our bank account.
It's all too easy to put our faith in money, possessions, people, job stability, etc....and, oh, what a beating my heart took when I allowed it off course. And what a blessing it is to be getting back to faith in God alone, not our bank account, to provide for our needs....over & over again...
my husband pointed out that I had disallowed anonymous comments, that has now been resolved!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Chaotic Holidays
Thanksgiving is next week...what? Weren't we just dressing up to receive free candy and carving pumpkins? Wow. Typically the holidays sneak up in mad fashion but this year they just have completely caught me off guard.
Sadly, the three things I thought about while realizing the holiday season truly was "just around the corner", were...
1.) "I have no idea on earth where ANY of our decorations landed in the move."
2.) "Where on earth are we supposed to get extra money for gifts?"
3.) "I REALLY hope one year we'll make it through without feeling totally guilty."
Now, I'm not a grinch personality at all...I love the holidays, the changing seasons, the decor that corresponds, Black Friday, etc... But this year I have felt fatigue when thinking about the holidays--deciding what to do, buy, etc...has just really started taking the joy out of what we're really celebrating.
We received several pieces of advice before we were married about what to do when holiday season rolled around---one of the best pieces was to make sure we took time to create our own family traditions (ie: don't try to cram in a visit to every Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, etc.)
Each year our celebrations have looked a little different, but we have managed to keep Christmas morning as an intimate time with Mr. B and now our precious lil' gal. I love waking up knowing there is no rush to be anywhere, hanging out in our pajamas as we open gifts and eat breakfast while sipping something warm, I love resting and treasuring that time with my husband and daughter. And for reasons many people won't understand, I'm also very protective of that tradition. (Our one and only thus far...)
But I feel like it gets a little harder each year as we make decisions about how to spend the holidays...especially now that children are involved. I end up feeling guilty over things I shouldn't and I've been guilty of almost wishing we can rush through the season to avoid the unavoidable hurt feelings.
However, one of my favorite bloggers today posted about how they do holidays...and I felt, supported? Knowing I'm not the only one out there who favors intimate time (if even for a few hours) as a small family unit.
So I'm feeling better about this approaching season. I'm focusing on what this season is really about and letting go of any unneccessary guilt I feel.
After all, my new goal is experiencing True Rest....even at the holidays :)
Sadly, the three things I thought about while realizing the holiday season truly was "just around the corner", were...
1.) "I have no idea on earth where ANY of our decorations landed in the move."
2.) "Where on earth are we supposed to get extra money for gifts?"
3.) "I REALLY hope one year we'll make it through without feeling totally guilty."
Now, I'm not a grinch personality at all...I love the holidays, the changing seasons, the decor that corresponds, Black Friday, etc... But this year I have felt fatigue when thinking about the holidays--deciding what to do, buy, etc...has just really started taking the joy out of what we're really celebrating.
We received several pieces of advice before we were married about what to do when holiday season rolled around---one of the best pieces was to make sure we took time to create our own family traditions (ie: don't try to cram in a visit to every Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, etc.)
Each year our celebrations have looked a little different, but we have managed to keep Christmas morning as an intimate time with Mr. B and now our precious lil' gal. I love waking up knowing there is no rush to be anywhere, hanging out in our pajamas as we open gifts and eat breakfast while sipping something warm, I love resting and treasuring that time with my husband and daughter. And for reasons many people won't understand, I'm also very protective of that tradition. (Our one and only thus far...)
But I feel like it gets a little harder each year as we make decisions about how to spend the holidays...especially now that children are involved. I end up feeling guilty over things I shouldn't and I've been guilty of almost wishing we can rush through the season to avoid the unavoidable hurt feelings.
However, one of my favorite bloggers today posted about how they do holidays...and I felt, supported? Knowing I'm not the only one out there who favors intimate time (if even for a few hours) as a small family unit.
So I'm feeling better about this approaching season. I'm focusing on what this season is really about and letting go of any unneccessary guilt I feel.
After all, my new goal is experiencing True Rest....even at the holidays :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
He IS my Shepherd
Our chuch is teaching from Psalm 23 for the next several weeks and after one message, I'm feeling challenged...and based on conversations with my husband and others, I'm not the only one.
Oh to talk about true rest...not just a movie night, a long nap, or a day spent shopping alone....but that elusive "true rest." Well, let's just say there's a lot I'm wrestling with lately and this message couldn't have been more timely. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks as well.
To be honest, I've felt overwhelmed lately. I felt overwhelmed before our vacation and I felt overwhelmed upon returning. I have felt rushed, busy, overcommitted, exhausted, and just plain cranky. I feel it in my relationships with other...and I have felt it spiritually. I feel a sense of frustration that I can't keep up, pull it all off, or have it all together...whatever those things actually mean (because if we were all to be honest, none of us keeps up, pulls it all off, or has it all together...)
I'm sick of putting myself in competition with other moms..either in real life or via the blog world...because I have a feeling if I peeked inside their real life, I'd see just how rushed and unrested they felt as well.
And let's face it...I'm 5 months pregnant and chasing a toddler all day...that alone is a full time job! Toss in chuch commitments, outside activities, Lucy's social agenda, working 20+ hours a week from home, trying to keep house, maintain a budget, buy things at rock-bottom prices, grow my marriage, play with my daughter, plan a menu, bring snacks to various activities, keep up with friendships....etc, etc, etc....and eventually? SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE.
I'm not playing a comparison game. We all feel busy. We are all way too busy. We all pile too much on our plate. We all long for true rest.
So this week, I'm going to work on time management...and not as in "I got everything done I wanted to do so I'm good at time management!" Rather, I'm going to think about what needs to get done each week, what I want to get done each week, and realistically what my time looks like....because I'm guessing something has to go....even if just for a short while.
In the meantime, I'm going to continue to reflect on Psalm 23, focus on quality time with my husband, and get down on the floor and play as much as I can with my crazy little toddler.
Crafts, cleaning, and deal shopping can wait.
He IS my Shepherd.
Oh to talk about true rest...not just a movie night, a long nap, or a day spent shopping alone....but that elusive "true rest." Well, let's just say there's a lot I'm wrestling with lately and this message couldn't have been more timely. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks as well.
To be honest, I've felt overwhelmed lately. I felt overwhelmed before our vacation and I felt overwhelmed upon returning. I have felt rushed, busy, overcommitted, exhausted, and just plain cranky. I feel it in my relationships with other...and I have felt it spiritually. I feel a sense of frustration that I can't keep up, pull it all off, or have it all together...whatever those things actually mean (because if we were all to be honest, none of us keeps up, pulls it all off, or has it all together...)
I'm sick of putting myself in competition with other moms..either in real life or via the blog world...because I have a feeling if I peeked inside their real life, I'd see just how rushed and unrested they felt as well.
And let's face it...I'm 5 months pregnant and chasing a toddler all day...that alone is a full time job! Toss in chuch commitments, outside activities, Lucy's social agenda, working 20+ hours a week from home, trying to keep house, maintain a budget, buy things at rock-bottom prices, grow my marriage, play with my daughter, plan a menu, bring snacks to various activities, keep up with friendships....etc, etc, etc....and eventually? SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE.
I'm not playing a comparison game. We all feel busy. We are all way too busy. We all pile too much on our plate. We all long for true rest.
So this week, I'm going to work on time management...and not as in "I got everything done I wanted to do so I'm good at time management!" Rather, I'm going to think about what needs to get done each week, what I want to get done each week, and realistically what my time looks like....because I'm guessing something has to go....even if just for a short while.
In the meantime, I'm going to continue to reflect on Psalm 23, focus on quality time with my husband, and get down on the floor and play as much as I can with my crazy little toddler.
Crafts, cleaning, and deal shopping can wait.
He IS my Shepherd.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I have my good days....
I don't have it all together. I don't pretend to have it all together. Take for example right now, my daughter and I are both still in pajamas (it's 11am)---she has refused a morning nap and our kitchen floor still has remains of last night's dinner. What you see is what you get here. My goal is to keep the major things MAJOR (loving my daughter, treasuring this time with her, encouraging my husband, etc..) and the minor things MINOR (keeping a clean home, always looking put together, etc...) It's easy for these things to get out of balance, and my God is faithful to convict me when they start to.
Yesterday Lucy went down for her morning nap at the scheduled time. I ate breakfast, got dressed, did hair/make-up, and finished up my bible study during that hour and twenty minute block of time. We played a lot after nap time until it was time for lunch....and then we played a lot after lunch time. Around 1:45, I loaded her up in the stroller and we walked up to the library for story time. I was feeling pretty "put together" yesterday and then I walked into the library and sat down on the floor.....and then I realized that I had dried applesauce all up and down the legs of my black pants, a slight mishap from lunch. And I started to let thoughts of "oh my goodness, I bet these people think I don't care about my appearance/think I don't know how to wash clothes/think I'm a bad wife for not trying to be attractive for my husband..." And then I looked at my daughter who was dancing to the music, blissfully unaware that her mom was wearing her lunch....and I stopped caring.
Now I don't purposefully do those sorts of things, but those things humble me enough to remind me to keep the major things major....and to throw the minor things out the door.
We checked out some books and came home yesterday afternoon and read them. I taught her to roar like a dinosaur and we played with my make-up brushes until Daddy rolled up. We ate dinner as a family before I rushed off to Bible study. Around 10pm last night she woke up and would not go back to sleep, instead of getting frustrated--I took her out of the crib and we cuddled under a big blanket on the couch.
I have my good days....
Yesterday Lucy went down for her morning nap at the scheduled time. I ate breakfast, got dressed, did hair/make-up, and finished up my bible study during that hour and twenty minute block of time. We played a lot after nap time until it was time for lunch....and then we played a lot after lunch time. Around 1:45, I loaded her up in the stroller and we walked up to the library for story time. I was feeling pretty "put together" yesterday and then I walked into the library and sat down on the floor.....and then I realized that I had dried applesauce all up and down the legs of my black pants, a slight mishap from lunch. And I started to let thoughts of "oh my goodness, I bet these people think I don't care about my appearance/think I don't know how to wash clothes/think I'm a bad wife for not trying to be attractive for my husband..." And then I looked at my daughter who was dancing to the music, blissfully unaware that her mom was wearing her lunch....and I stopped caring.
Now I don't purposefully do those sorts of things, but those things humble me enough to remind me to keep the major things major....and to throw the minor things out the door.
We checked out some books and came home yesterday afternoon and read them. I taught her to roar like a dinosaur and we played with my make-up brushes until Daddy rolled up. We ate dinner as a family before I rushed off to Bible study. Around 10pm last night she woke up and would not go back to sleep, instead of getting frustrated--I took her out of the crib and we cuddled under a big blanket on the couch.
I have my good days....
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
out of control discipline
(hmm...I thought I had this scheduled to post early this morning...I'll figure out the automatic post times sometime!)
What do you get when you put together a Family Studies major with a Criminal Justice major-turned social service worker? Two people with LOTS of ideas, thoughts and concerns about human behavior and discipline.
My husband and I talk about parenting....a LOT. Before we were married we began talking about how we saw our family. What we liked growing up, what we felt could have been different, how we'd like to raise our kids, our thoughts on homeschooling, whether or not spanking is effective, etc....We have a variety of books on our bookshelf about parenting, discipline, and even homeschooling. We take each book not as a reference guide, but merely as a discussion starter---and the homeschooling book? We just want to be educated should we ever decide that one or more of our children would benefit more from being educated at home.
With both of us having backgrounds in the foster care world we've seen "discipline" go horribly wrong. We watch what others around us do and talk about what methods we feel are or are not effective....but mostly, we just talk about what we'd like to try.
Lucy is nearing the age where she can recognize a few things that are not acceptable behaviors---but we get that she still needs a lot of reminding that we don't play with DVD's. :)
Now my husband and I have both been guilty of being the parents that literally say "NO" all day long...and often at increasing volumes. But last week (after one of those days) I felt really convicted about my attitude. Sure, I'm exhausted, sore and growing a baby--but Lucy doesn't get that. She's just exploring her world and I was trying to stop that explorative spirit. The next day at MOPS--our speaker further tugged at my heart about nurturing my daughter's creativity and changing my focus from worrying about the "minor" things.
That night (and into this weekend) my husband and I talked at great lengths about how can we teach our daughter to obey us as parents while also not creating an environment so controlled that we kill her curious spirit? We don't have many answers yet---but we're on the same page and enjoying the discussion. We know there are certain things that she must learn she can't touch---and the other things? Well, it's merely an annoyance for us to have to put all the towels back in the drawer for example--but for her, it's a good 15 minutes of fun finding the towels, unfolding them, lining them up on the floor and then sitting on each one. It takes us two minutes to clean up---and soon she'll be at the age when she can start helping.
....and for that, I'm going to need a LOT of grace :)
What do you get when you put together a Family Studies major with a Criminal Justice major-turned social service worker? Two people with LOTS of ideas, thoughts and concerns about human behavior and discipline.
My husband and I talk about parenting....a LOT. Before we were married we began talking about how we saw our family. What we liked growing up, what we felt could have been different, how we'd like to raise our kids, our thoughts on homeschooling, whether or not spanking is effective, etc....We have a variety of books on our bookshelf about parenting, discipline, and even homeschooling. We take each book not as a reference guide, but merely as a discussion starter---and the homeschooling book? We just want to be educated should we ever decide that one or more of our children would benefit more from being educated at home.
With both of us having backgrounds in the foster care world we've seen "discipline" go horribly wrong. We watch what others around us do and talk about what methods we feel are or are not effective....but mostly, we just talk about what we'd like to try.
Lucy is nearing the age where she can recognize a few things that are not acceptable behaviors---but we get that she still needs a lot of reminding that we don't play with DVD's. :)
Now my husband and I have both been guilty of being the parents that literally say "NO" all day long...and often at increasing volumes. But last week (after one of those days) I felt really convicted about my attitude. Sure, I'm exhausted, sore and growing a baby--but Lucy doesn't get that. She's just exploring her world and I was trying to stop that explorative spirit. The next day at MOPS--our speaker further tugged at my heart about nurturing my daughter's creativity and changing my focus from worrying about the "minor" things.
That night (and into this weekend) my husband and I talked at great lengths about how can we teach our daughter to obey us as parents while also not creating an environment so controlled that we kill her curious spirit? We don't have many answers yet---but we're on the same page and enjoying the discussion. We know there are certain things that she must learn she can't touch---and the other things? Well, it's merely an annoyance for us to have to put all the towels back in the drawer for example--but for her, it's a good 15 minutes of fun finding the towels, unfolding them, lining them up on the floor and then sitting on each one. It takes us two minutes to clean up---and soon she'll be at the age when she can start helping.
It's easy for me to forget sometimes that my daughter is only 14 months old...and developmentally she can't possibly remember or even predict what things are off limits...especially in new environments. My husband's job and my education have continually reminded us of that fact and the fact that discipline can (and often should) look differently for each of our children. We're learning, talking and adjusting our ideas and expectations---which honestly, I feel like is the best part of all of this. We know we're going to have days when we fail miserably---but we'd like to be able to get it "right" most of the time! :)
I love that my daughter is curious. I love that she doesn't show much fear and will willingly go play with other children and hug family members she hasn't seen in a while. I love the excitement in her eyes when she figures something out or discovers where all of her shoes are "hidden". I don't want to kill this curiousity by saying "NO" to every minor thing and losing my cool daily.....and for that, I'm going to need a LOT of grace :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
take me back.
I am not what you would call "knowledgable" about music. I don't have a diverse collection of CD's or iTunes. I find a few songs that I tend to listen to over and over again....and those songs can literally take me back to a moment in time in an instant.
When I hear "I can only Imagine" by Mercy Me, I'm 18 driving in my "new" car on my way home from college for the weekend. It's blaring as loudly as possible on the then working stereo system in my car (because, in case you didn't know, it's incredibly cool to blast Christian music on your car radio.) I'm a freshman in college and a new believer in Christ.
"Praise you in this Storm" comes up and I'm a senior strolling through campus with my mp3 player. It's a Sunday afternoon and my Grandfather has just passed away, the last of my surviving grandparents. Tears undoubtedly collecting in my eyes as I struggle to figure life out in general.
"Here's to Hindsight" by Tara Leigh Cobble (google her music, fantastic) puts me in my small basement apartment my first year out of college. No heat, flooded when it rained and the stove sat in the middle of the room. I'm trusting wholly in God at this point, knowing He alone brought me through college & called me to graduate at that appointed time. I'm working as a para for a local school, struggling to pay bills, and enjoying my evenings at the local coffee shop reading.
"Love of God" by Mercy Me---and it's a year after I sat alone so many nights in a Manhattan coffee shop learning about my Jesus---now I'm walking through my soon-to-be fiance's apartment. He's learned this song knowing it's my favorite and the song I will someday walk down the aisle to. I walk through a tunnel of streamers and meet him at the end. He puts down his guitar, gets down on one knee and changes my life forever. I know then that the year alone in that tiny apartment shaped me for this moment.
"Everything" by Michael Buble and I've just shared my first kiss as a wife! We walk out with arguably the biggest grins on our faces of all time. We are united as one and ready to face the world.
"Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman and I'm watching my husband wrestle on the floor with our fun-loving daughter. They've only known each other a year, but they will be buddies for life. She has Daddy wrapped around her finger and he is completely smitten by her. She'll wait by the door everyday and yell "da-da!" as soon as she sees that red car roll down our street. Their relationship makes me so thankful that he is my partner and the father of my children.
"He's always been Faithful" and it's any moment over the past 8 years. Eight years ago I made a choice on a college campus. I chose to follow Jesus...and believe me the path since then has been a rocky, but beautiful, journey. He has been faithful in friendships, in crossing my path with my husband's, in starting our family on His timing, and for providing for every need we have ever worried about. I will forever be singing this song.
I'm no music expert....but I know how to be taken back.
When I hear "I can only Imagine" by Mercy Me, I'm 18 driving in my "new" car on my way home from college for the weekend. It's blaring as loudly as possible on the then working stereo system in my car (because, in case you didn't know, it's incredibly cool to blast Christian music on your car radio.) I'm a freshman in college and a new believer in Christ.
"Praise you in this Storm" comes up and I'm a senior strolling through campus with my mp3 player. It's a Sunday afternoon and my Grandfather has just passed away, the last of my surviving grandparents. Tears undoubtedly collecting in my eyes as I struggle to figure life out in general.
"Here's to Hindsight" by Tara Leigh Cobble (google her music, fantastic) puts me in my small basement apartment my first year out of college. No heat, flooded when it rained and the stove sat in the middle of the room. I'm trusting wholly in God at this point, knowing He alone brought me through college & called me to graduate at that appointed time. I'm working as a para for a local school, struggling to pay bills, and enjoying my evenings at the local coffee shop reading.
"Love of God" by Mercy Me---and it's a year after I sat alone so many nights in a Manhattan coffee shop learning about my Jesus---now I'm walking through my soon-to-be fiance's apartment. He's learned this song knowing it's my favorite and the song I will someday walk down the aisle to. I walk through a tunnel of streamers and meet him at the end. He puts down his guitar, gets down on one knee and changes my life forever. I know then that the year alone in that tiny apartment shaped me for this moment.
"Everything" by Michael Buble and I've just shared my first kiss as a wife! We walk out with arguably the biggest grins on our faces of all time. We are united as one and ready to face the world.
"Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman and I'm watching my husband wrestle on the floor with our fun-loving daughter. They've only known each other a year, but they will be buddies for life. She has Daddy wrapped around her finger and he is completely smitten by her. She'll wait by the door everyday and yell "da-da!" as soon as she sees that red car roll down our street. Their relationship makes me so thankful that he is my partner and the father of my children.
"He's always been Faithful" and it's any moment over the past 8 years. Eight years ago I made a choice on a college campus. I chose to follow Jesus...and believe me the path since then has been a rocky, but beautiful, journey. He has been faithful in friendships, in crossing my path with my husband's, in starting our family on His timing, and for providing for every need we have ever worried about. I will forever be singing this song.
I'm no music expert....but I know how to be taken back.
Monday, September 6, 2010
holding on.
My daughter is nearly 14 months old, a toddler....
This time last year she was just shy of two months old. Now, I certainly enjoy reflecting on the past and taking some time to get a little sappy now and then, but yesterday at the park took it to a whole other level.
She went from snuggling in one swing...
...to giggling with laughter in 
another
anotherI smiled with pride as I thought over the past year and I almost felt a little sad at every comment my husband or I had made in which we said "I can't wait until she can do ________." We meant well, but man...it's unbelievable all that she has done in the past year!
My cuddly baby is now a very active and happy little girl. She loves her daddy, giggles over everything, and now hands me her elephant and pacifier at the end of the nap. She is SUCH a big girl. :)
I also smiled with pride thinking of all the moments my husband and I have gotten it "right" over the last year--the moments where we disregarded "responsibility" or "cleaning" and got down on that floor to play with that active lil' gal. We often talk about how to really treasure this time when our children will be little and look back with the fondest of memories---and the least amount of regrets possible.
So far, I think we're getting it "right" more often than not. We let her get messy, crunch leaves, climb in bed with us in the morning to watch cartoons, walk/run through the Olathe mall--(because it's apparently SO FUN to do that), and we play...and play...and play some more. I'm sure we'll pretend to eat hundreds of meals or drink hundreds of drinks before the game grows old to Lucy. I'm certain we'll pretend to sleep on the floor hundreds of more times so she can dive into us and crack up when we pretend to be startled.
But mostly I'm certain that I love being a mommy (even on the worst of days), I love watching her explore her world, and I have LOVED watching my husband tranform into a father who will get down on the floor EVERY night and play with his lil' gal even after he's had the longest day as well.
~holding on to these moments~
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