It happened.... (day 3)

I like to shop.

I enjoy new things.

I appreciate the feeling of nice clothing on my body & expensive make-up on my face.

Back when I was enjoying these new items on someone else's dime (I was in college and my parents were generous!) & when I was a single person with "extra" cash in the budget, I indulged myself....often.

Enter marriage, babies & a drastically different budget and the days of purchasing a new item are long gone.  Truthfully, giving up shopping for nice/new things never even bothered me.  They weren't needs, just wants....and what we "need" is every possible penny going towards making ends meet.  Besides, since we discovered we were expecting three months after the "I dos", maternity clothes had to be purchased...and then kids clothes.....and then the heat bill needed to be paid....

Somewhere along the line, my favorite Banana Republic jeans got replaced with maternity jeans will the large stretchy panel.  My favorite shoes were given away because my feet actually grew AFTER having children. Flattering sweaters and shirts have long been tucked away to make room for clothes to nurse in & in sizes that fit the "I've had two babies in less than two years" figure.  Where my favorite Victoria's Secret credit card once held a spot in my wallet you'll now find a coupon for .50 off flour tucked away instead.

And it's ok, truthfully, because through this whole evolution I understand needs versus wants.  I understand that we need food on the table & that I want a pair of jeans that fit (without the maternity panel).  I understand that my kids need clothes, shoes & immunizations & that I want to replace the items that read "maternity clothes" with items that fit and don't leave others questioning, "is she?  again?!  so soon?!"

I understand that no amount of "losing the baby weight" will ever get me back to my "pre-pregnancy figure."  Two pregnancies & deliveries of 9lb+ babies made sure of that.

In the meantime, I'll treasure my precious kids that brought me to this point and learn to be content in my husband's sweats and maternity gear...even if I am 7 months post-partum.....

...because someday, there might be a little extra "guilt free" money to spend on a new pair of jeans, a compact of make-up, a colorful cardigan or a bag that doesn't just hold diapers.

And I'm okay waiting for that day.

day 2--cuteness from the tantrum thrower

We're dealing with the epic meltdowns that come along when your child turns two....and apparently continue on until they leave for college.  I'm a family studies major.  My coursework prepared me for understanding WHY a tantrum happens.  It did not prepare me for what it would be like to repeat 15 times in a row, "no you may not have a "cooookeeee"...."

Anyways, I digress.

What I MEANT to post about was the cute phrases that are repeatd in our house all day long.

Here's a typical conversation that happens about 15-20 times in our home (no joke) a day.

Lucy: "Daddy, where are you?" (Lucy begins the hunt around the house)
Me: "Daddy had to go work."
Lucy: "bye bye?"
Me: "yup, daddy went bye-bye."
Lucy: "chooees?"
Me: "yes, daddy put his shoes on."
Lucy: "Car?"
Me: "yes, daddy got in his car."
Lucy: (makes noises that resemble a very sick animal)
Me: "yes, daddy's car is terminally ill."

Day 1.

"Your breath smells rotten....we need to brush your teeth."

I got up and handed my husband our daughter's toothbrush hoping that the overpriced tube of bubblegum toothpaste (seriously, is it even really toothpaste?) I had purchased this past weekend would cure the halatosis erupting from our two year old's mouth.

 I then plopped down in the comfort of my desk chair intent on zoning out to facebook & pinning DIY projects I'll likely never have time (nor talent) for. Instead, I found a challenge that intrigued me.

I'm now deciding to take part in a "blog every day for the month" challenge....
For the record, I had no idea that November is National Blogging Month, ..I'm just a little bummed I didn't know ahead of time or I would have baked a cake.

The theme?  "Blogging for Blogging's sake"---(FYI, this makes me want to bust out in Christmas Carol lyrics, "so be good for goodness sake..." )  I like that it isn't really a theme, just write.

I dig it.

My sister-in-law is committed to writing a novel this month & now I'm committing to doing my best to over-share and bore my 14 subscribers out there with intricate details of our days.....at least every day for the month of November.

stay tuned...

Treat others well...

I hate waiting.


I can’t stand being stuck behind a slow driver…(or a bad one!) I dislike being held up in line at the grocery store. It drives me nuts when I have to make an effort to get around someone walking slow or taking up an entire aisle in Wal-mart.

I know what bothers me & as such I try not to impose on others in the same way. Unfortunately, I’m probably the worst kind of offender.

In this current season of life I am being convicted of all the times I have rolled my eyes trying to get past someone, tapped my foot impatiently in the checkout line or honked my horn and shaken my fist at another driver. Why am I being convicted? Because I just never know what’s really behind their actions.

The person that is in “my way” in the store? Maybe they are so focused on getting all the items on their list, keeping their children quiet or trying to find the best deal that they simply don’t notice I’m trying to pass by with great impatience.

The person driving “too slow”? Maybe they are out for a relaxing drive around town because their babies just fell asleep and it’s the first time in weeks they’ve gotten some peace and quiet—or maybe this is how “date nights” are occurring for them right now.

The “bad driver” that speeds past me on the interstate? Maybe they are running late for yet another doctor’s appointment, a desperately needed play date or are in dire need to meet their best friend for coffee and girl chat. (side note: I am not condoning BAD driving at all…)

The person holding me up in line because they are watching their purchases like a hawk? Maybe they are having to stretch an already too thin budget to purchase groceries for their family. Maybe in order to put food on their table they are needing to use complicated governmental assistance programs. Maybe they are price matching and/or using coupons in order to avoid a trip to another store and lower the money coming out of their pockets.

We’ve all been an annoyance to someone. For me, I’m trying to think before I act out in impatience. Knowing that I’ve been both the giver of such impatience AND recently the receiver of such impatience, I’m desperately trying to remember we just never know what’s going on in that particular person’s life that day---and maybe a little extra patience and grace could go a LONG way.

Because while that person might be a minor annoyance to me today, I could be just as annoying to them tomorrow….and well, I’d like to think the “treat others as you’d like to be treated” rule could work in my favor…

~takin' a walk in someone else's shoes...~

Don't need "just another thing"

My husband and I feel the strain of this whole “there’s only 24 hours in a day” thing every single day.  When asked how we are doing, we’ll likely respond like most others we know “good, busy/hectic…”  I’ve been feeling the strain of frustration as I watch the seasons change outside, knowing we are in for what will likely be another looooongggg winter.  Additionally, as the leaves fall all around us, I’m reminded that we are in one of the shortest parenting seasons (in the grand scheme of things)….even if it seems like we’re stuck in a loooooooonnnnnnngggg season.

From the time we were first married (a whole 3 years ago) we’ve tried to be incredibly aware of protecting our time.  With my husband working two jobs, two children at home to nurture, involvement in our local church & a home, that despite the desires of my heart, will not learn to clean itself.  Add in family, friends, errands, doctor’s appointments, etc….and those 24 hours are gone….and often we’re negative in time.  As such, we often find that we have little time left over to just play with our children, let alone sit down and have a conversation with one another….or get to bed at a decent hour!

 We’re learning that a “yes” to one thing, is a “no” to another.  A “yes” to a second job, while financially necessary, is a “no” to more family time with Daddy.  A “yes” to a commitment outside the home, is a “no” to that extra time in the home.  A “yes” to a night out with the girls on my husband’s nights off, is a “no” to an in-home date night with him.  And believe me, there are a whole list of things that I often would like to do (volunteering, taking classes & even working outside the home)---but those things aren’t feasible right now…and certainly don’t make financial sense for us right now—hello daycare costs!

The question for us is “when to engage vs. when to retreat.”  We want to be givers of our time, but we also want to be wise and place our own family high on the list of needing our attention.  So, for now, we’re choosing our “yes’s” wisely.  We want our commitments to jobs, others & our local church to be things we are passionate about---and not things that are “just another thing” we have to do.  We remind ourselves that this IS just a season (hopefully my husband won’t always be working two jobs!)---and that our children won’t always be this tiny…and Lord willing, we’ll have an abundance of time “someday” that we can do all those other things we want to that would take additional time now.

 
I tried to model this mentality last week.  I pushed my to-do list and cleaning schedule to the side and reminded myself that the laundry will always be there, but I won’t always have an opportunity to teach my daughter to jump in the leaves…or spend some extra time cuddling with my son.  Those our moments that no amount of cleaning, errand running, etc can compete with.  Our weather was incredibly warm here (think shorts and tank tops in October!) and we spent several hours outside every day just playing….and after a week of not keeping up with chores, our house is in some terrible shape!  I know I can’t always ignore the work before me, and I’m not suggesting that you should….I’m just suggesting that I need to learn better balance & to place my children in higher regard than completing my to-do list or cleaning my home.  (believe me, I LOVE a neat home and completed to-do list…this is NOT something that comes natural to me!)

Good enough for now...

That's the phrase I recite to myself all day long, "it's good enough...for now."  This is the state of mind with which I'm living in---and will likely be in---for awhile.

Jack had his appointment with the failure to thrive clinic last week---it went well, considering our fears going in.  Jack is 5 1/2 months now and at his appointment he weighed 11lbs, 6 oz (a 1/2 oz gain in 2 weeks)We still have no answers...but we have some direction, a plan of sorts.  Jack showed off and flashed smiles, giggled and just talked up a storm.  We heard the same things "he looks amazing!", "he's on track", "his physical exam presents no concerns."  All incredibly awesome things to hear.  They spoke of three potential causes off the top of their heads---1.)problems with his reflux (ie: the medicine is no longer working and that could somehow be hindering weight gain)  2.) he has a higher metabolic rate and therefore needs far more calories (there's no way to test for this) 3.)There could be a problem with how his body is absorbing nutrients.

So, we go back in about a week with a stool sample to test for problems concerning proper absorption and in the meantime we are continuing supplementing after every nursing session, only this time we were given a equation to concentrate the calories (think more powder, less water) in an effort to see if a higher calorie intake is necessary.

After months of feeling like I was doing something wrong, I left this appointment feeling respected as a parent and felt like I was heard, really heard.  I needed that.  I needed to hear from a medical professional that I wasn't ruining my child--and that there were several plausible explanations.  I'm hoping the addition of calories will bring a high weight gain and that a higher metabolic rate really is to "blame." 

In the meantime, fall activities have started up---the Mr. is still working two jobs---and the toddler is in the midst of those "terrible twos" that we have heard so much about.  Life around here is challenging right now, and that's putting it lightly!

So, for now...our motto is "it's good enough for now."  I'm fighting hard against comparing myself to all those fictional moms who "have it all together" and focusing on what really matters in this season of life---and right now, that's getting and keeping Jack healthy.

And what about all those other things I talk about so often?  Well, to be honest....I haven't used a coupon since July--true story!  And you know what, it's been a nice break and because of our couponing efforts in previous months, we also haven't done hardly any grocery shopping---except for perishable items.  Let me tell you, that's such a welcome relief to have "one less thing to worry about"  In coming months I'm going to have to "jump back in" to couponing to re-build our stockpile, but for now...we're enjoying the fruits of our labor.

As for a cleaning schedule....that went out the window when Jack was born and I haven't made my way back to it.  Our house doesn't get as "deep cleaned", dusted, or vacuumed a week as I'd like it to....but the "good enough for now" principle applies here as well.  I want us back on a schedule, and we'll get there...because it does make life easier...but for now, it's ok if the bedrooms don't get dusted one week....or we only grab the vacuum when we have animal cookie heads to sweep up.

And the cloth diapers?  That is one that has stuck!  Aside from church events and Jack overnight--our kids are in cloth diapers full time.  Yes, it's a bit more work....but it's something that is forcing me to slow down a bit and enjoy the one on one time with my kids---even if it is during a diaper change.  We've been rapidly adding to our stash without spending more money and I've been working to convert some very well-loved diapers.  I'd love to do a whole post on that....someday.

With three more Doctor's appointments on the calendar before the end of the month, my husband's long work-hours and two little ones that seem a little "high-needs" these days, I'm working hard to accept that "good enough for now" is really "exceptional for now!"  I pray if you find yourself in discouraging, hectic or stressful circumstances that you too would find the peace that comes from letting some things just....go

in the dark and on my heart.

I have a running list of things I want to blog about----our successes in cloth diapering, how awesome my two kids are, our struggles in trusting God, my attempts to save us even more money & the ever popular "oh my stars will I ever sleep again?!" type posts.

But, much like my home sits in shambles most days---this blog goes neglected.  Simply stated, there's a huge lack of desire---and an even larger lack of time.  However, today all those excuses are tossed out the window when I just simply need a place to process some frustrations and discouragement.  Lucky you, I process well (and find great comfort) in expressing these thoughts through writing.  Lucky me, a friend reminded me that my blog can be an incredibly freeing place to share these frustrations.  So, today you get raw---you get un-edited feelings---you get what's on my heart without all the cute packaging.

Today, like most days lately, I'm feeling "in the dark."  I've shared before our struggles with nursing both kiddos and I've shared recently about Jack's inability to put on any weight.  You'll recall that he weighed in at a whopping 9lbs, 9oz at birth.  He lost nearly a pound within that first week---but at five months he was only at 11lbs, 5 oz. 

Now, there's no real indication if the two struggles go hand in hand.  Here's what I do know---until four months, I exclusively nursed Jack.  He has several wet diapers a day, has an "appropriate" amount of dirty diapers, interacts with others, is hydrated, appears developmentally on track, and up until he started teething (side note: still not sure the screaming is a result of ACTUAL teeth)---he's been a pretty happy guy (post colic/reflux of course)  At our four month appointment our doctor told us to nurse every three hours (which is about what we were doing)--I decided to additionally add in 4oz of formula supplementation a day (sometimes more).  After a month of doing all that, we saw a 4 oz weight gain....total.

I'm pretty sure my heart sank when they put Jack on the scale a few weeks back and those numbers flashed back at me.  Thankfully I was too exhausted to shed any tears of frustration---I saved those for my husband.  To be honest, that day (and really still today) I feel like I am somehow doing something wrong---that I am to blame for my son's lack of weight gain.  Primarily I feel that way because there is no other explanation at this point.

We've been referred to a special children's clinic that works with failure to thrive babies.  (even saying that phrase gets to me!)  We recieved our bright colored pamphlet (I think that's to make it feel more cheery?) along with all the necessary paperwork to complete prior to our two hour initial appointment where a team will "work with us" to "develop weight gain goals" and "identify potential issues" so that we can be "actively involved" in determining what is causing inadequate weight gain.

Now, this could all be a really simple answer----or, what we fear is that it could be something far more complicated.  There are some other concerns/symptoms we have that we've shared with our doctor that go along with Jack's lack of weight gain.  We just don't know....and it's that "in the dark" feeling that feels totally isolating.  We have waited two weeks and we know after this next appointment we'll likely have to wait some more.  If you know me, you know I am the least patient person in the world and that I've been web-md-ing the "situation"

It's been a humbing experience.  To read friends and family post about similarly aged kiddos and how big they've gotten just makes me have to fight bitterness....and feelings of feeling sorry for myself "why do their kids gain weight and my son can't?!"  When others tell me "how big Jack's getting"  I feel like I'm biting my tongue---because it's just not true---and I'm assuming that's the nicer thing to say then "why is your nearly six month old so skinny??"  And I'm embarassed to admit how prideful I have been when it comes to answering particular questions or upon being told we would be meeting with a team---which included a social worker.  "a social worker?  I'm not one of those people that starves my kids"  True story...exact thoughts spoken out loud to my husband.  (side note, praise God for the patient husband listening to all my thoughts!)

So, there's the story---raw, un-edited without any fancy wrapping.  In reality, it is such a miniscule problem to be dealing with---but when you're in it and feeling the judgement, questions, and opinions surrounding it---it somehow becomes a much bigger problem.

In the meantime, we continue to pray for quick answers and for humbled hearts.  For God to strengthen us and for us to recognize that Jack is His son first.  For God to equip us as parents to handle whatever comes our way (simple answer or complex)...and really, for God to continue to use this experience to make me more aware and strip away at my prideful, "better than you" complex.