The Artist's Daughter: A Memoir (a book review)

 

 

 

 

There is nothing that fascinates me more than when someone is willing to share their story with vulnerability, grace & humility.  Alexandra Kuykendall's memoir, 'The Artist's Daughter",  challenged me in so many ways and impressed me with the candid approach she takes while sharing her journey.  I found myself gripped to her story, relating in so many ways. We each had vastly different backgrounds, and yet I felt as if she was confessing some of my own insecurities and challenges.

 

Kuykendall honestly shares the journey of growing up without a father and how that impacts her stages in life: childhood, marriage & motherhood.  Throughout the book, she tackles three life-defining questions: Am I lovable?  Am I loved?  Am I loving?  Despite having a different background than the author, I believe her struggles can resonate with many women.  From battles with perfectionism to a recognition that marriage, motherhood or a career will not bring us perfect satisfaction, she traces through the struggles and focuses on grace, trust & faith.

 

MOPS International has chosen this as their 2013 theme book and I am so excited for it to be in the hands of so many mothers.  She shares stories from leading her own MOPS group and shares milestones, joys & heartaches with those women.  Moms will find this book encouraging & challenging.  Throughout the book, I found myself shaking my head in agreement, as if to say, "oh!  Someone else struggled with this?"  And perhaps my favorite part is her journey in her prayer life---the challenge of switching from prayers focused on asking God to change her circumstances to a focus on asking God to change her.

 

The end of this book comes with a list of prepared discussion questions that would greatly benefit a book club, mom's group or even for personal self reflection.

 

 

**I was given this book from Revell  in exchange for my honest review**

 

 

 

 

 

Available May 2013 at your favorite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

new year, same stage.

I like setting goals.  I enjoy writing to-do lists.  Fresh starts make me feel like I can do anything.  In the past I've been a bit ambitious when it comes to talking about the "new year"--last year was no different.  In many ways, I was quite successful with the the ambitious list.  I set out to focus on my priorities first and line up goals from that---and I loved thinking about goals from that perspective.  I stayed on top of bible reading for several months, finished more than the 12 books I hoped to read, completed many DIY recipes, and managed to get out of the home at least once a month for a date with my husband.

But somewhere in the midst of 2012, my husband landed a new job, we took a huge leap and decided to become foster parents, we took in a 17 year old who was months away from being on her own and in need of a LOT of independent living skills...and, we found out we were pregnant with baby #3.

This year, while still setting some ambitious goals...I'm also working really hard to be realistic about our stage of life.  In a few short months I'll have 3 children under the age of 4, and while we aren't planning to do any more long-term foster care placements---that could change and we are planning on doing respite placements in the meantime.  I've also fought really hard against playing the comparison game...or letting things like facebook and pinterest define me.  It's easy to see a facebook status or a pinterest pin and think "wow, I'm a terrible mom...I didn't send Christmas cards/sew my child's dress/schedule a play date/make playdough from scratch."  It's a terrible process, and I'm hoping to continue to focus on MY priorities and MY roles, it'll help keep me from comparing myself to others.

I thought about a few words to define 2013 and came up with: be intentional. less, less, less. good enough. create margin.  I want to be intentional in my relationships with others; specifically with my husband, children & whatever children stay in our homes temporarily.  I want less stuff, less TV, less computer, less of myself.  I want to be able to say "good enough."  I want margin...room to breathe, time to rest, evenings free from stuff and noise.

As I thought about the upcoming year, I really enjoyed some thoughts from Tell Your Time.  She has a few exercises throughout the book, but what I appreciated most was "identifying my roles".  She takes you through a process of asking  What are your roles?  What kind of person do you want to be in those roles?  And what steps do you need to take on a daily/monthly basis to get closer to being that kind of person?  I haven't finished the book---but I HIGHLY recommend it!

Right now, my 4 roles that are the most significant are:
-I'm a person
-I'm a wife
-I'm a mother
-I'm a homemaker

As a person, I want to be authentic, compassionate, informed, aware & full of grace.  Some of the activities that help get me there are daily bible reading, additional reading, being active in our church, and taking care of myself.

As a wife, I want to have a growing relationship.  I want a strong friendship.  I want to respect and encourage my husband.  Some activities that help get me there are daily one-on-one time with my husband, monthly dates out of the home, reading marriage books together, etc.

As a mom, I want to be present, intentional, encouraging, creative, life-giving, consistent, fun, and full of grace.  Some activities that help get me there are planned "school" time, intentional 1-1 time with each child, working to develop habits with each child, special monthly outings, visiting the library regularly, saying "yes" more often, etc...

And as a homemaker, I want to be "good enough".  While I enjoy a tidy home, I want my family to be able to live and play freely.  I want to strive to grow in organization.  I want to continue to try new things & always be on the lookout for saving my family money.  Some activities that help get me there are returning to coupons and deal shopping, re-assessing our budget & looking for more ways to cut costs, continuing to DIY cleaning supplies and misc., etc.

So yeah, there is a loose set of goals---some I hope to share.  I'm planning to read at least 15 books this year, continue with the monthly date nights & return to coupon shopping after taking a several month hiatus.  But most of all I just want to enjoy time with my children and husband.  That's what I want 2013 to be about.

Where I've been...

I’ve been…absent.

Truth be told, it’s been an interesting and life-changing few months.  While I desperately wanted to blog and share our journey, the right words never seem to fit.  You’ll remember this post when I shared how we were translating the “love others” message into our own lives.  Shortly thereafter we received a call.  We were not ready to be called (quite literally---we hadn’t finished our paperwork even & our spare room was still very much a storage closet)  Yet, three days later we welcomed a new friend into our home & became parents to a 17 year old, a few months away from being out on her own.  It felt crazy…I’m sure it appears crazy…and yet, it also felt like this is EXACTLY what we were supposed to be doing. 

“The room isn’t ready, we don’t have a mattress, our bank account is already empty, she’s seventeen, I don’t feel well…”

(I suppose it’s also worth mentioning that I found out I was pregnant the morning we picked our new friend up. )

But, we still said yes.  We rented a storage unit and emptied her room in rapid speed.  We had a mattress within hours of posting the need on facebook.  We stepped out in faith.

With a preschooler & toddler at home & a baby in the belly---we’ve been on the fastest learning curve ever for raising a teenager.  We navigated school, relationship issues, behaviors, planning for the future—and have moved on to helping her find an apartment, furnish it & enroll in college.  To say it’s been a whirlwind few months is an understatement.  To say it’s been easy & fun would be a lie.

She has been a great addition to our family---our children adore her and she is sweet & kind.  And yet, there are frustrations, and differences in personalities & history that we didn’t create & cannot fix.  There is a future we must help prepare her for & so little time to feel like we can adequately equip her the way we were equipped by our parents.  And so again, we step out in faith…and pray a lot.  At the end of the day, we have to trust that somewhere down the road something we have said will have stuck---and not because they are words of our mouth, but that they are God’s truth. 

I’m a parent of 2 (almost 3) & yet I feel like I’ve “grown up” in the last few months.  A few years ago I was touring apartments & learning about lease terms & deposits with my mom by my side and now I’m in the driver’s seat at these appointments asking the questions a parent asks.  And it stings.  Things are not as they ought to be.

And yet, in the midst of the pain & frustration we have seen beauty like never before.  Our church community and friends have blessed us (really our new friend) in ways that have humbled me and brought me to tears.  When I mentioned a need for clothing we had bags of nice clothing immediately brought to us.  When I put out a request to help furnish an apartment, many came forward with items they no longer needed.  When a friend asked me in a parking lot one night how things were going---she blessed me in a way I don’t think she even could have realized…allowing me to share what it has really been like.  When my husband’s car bit the dust for good, a family in our church loaned us a car as we work to make other arrangements.  And when we had a new family member, they were greeted as if they had always been a part of our family….and that was perhaps the biggest blessing of all.

As I mentioned earlier, we discovered we were pregnant a few hours before we met our new friend.  I’ve been sick, tired, moody x 3.  Part of it is third pregnancy, part of it is added stress, part of it is no real time to rest with two little ones and a bigger kiddo with a full schedule.  We are about out of the first trimester and I’m hoping to feel much better in a few weeks.  I’m taking B-6 3x a day & Zofran as a back-up.  Things could be much worse & we are so thankful for this sweet baby that we will meet in June.

There have been many times in the last few months that I have questioned why God would bring this opportunity before us.  And then I ask why things continue to go wrong (broken car, dryer, messed up bills, etc..)   Why?  Why now?  Why us?  I don’t have answers…though some of it is pretty straightforward.  Kids need homes.  While we don’t have excess income & each month is a bit of a struggle---we DO have an extra bedroom & the knowledge to care for another child.  Why now?  Because there is never going to be a perfect time--we will likely never have “enough” money, “enough” time, “enough” energy.  The “why us?”---I’ll never have an answer there.  I feel so ill-equipped to be a parent and handle raising my biological children that I will never understand why we feel so strongly that God has asked us to do this right now.  All I know is there is no way we would have made it this far if operating under our own strength.

There can be beauty in the brokenness…. And if our new friend only leaves with learning one thing from us, I hope that is it.

preschool at home?

We're busy.  Just like everyone else out there.  I'm gearing up for the start of MOPS, amongst other activities we are involved in.  We're plugging away to prepare our home for the final step in the process of receiving our license to do foster care.  Oh yeah....and we're rasising two active kids.

And for one of those kiddos, we'll be "officially" starting preschool at home in less than two weeks.  I say officially because, really, we've been doing a lot of activities that would fall into "preschool at home"---we're just going to be even more intentional in a few weeks. 



She is humming into the water bottle
while banging the pop bottles together

A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the International MOPS Convention in Dallas, TX.  I left feeling so rejuvenated & so excited to be more purposeful in my time with my children.  The days are looooooooooong, but the years are short.  A mentor mom shared this a few years back when I just had one baby---and I felt in over my head at that point.  "yeah, the days ARE long," I thought to myself.  Now there are two precious kiddos making messes in our home---and I see just how true that is.  Whoa, I have a three year old?





Doing preschool at home really wasn't my first choice, I'll be honest.  Due to a series of events--preschool or Parent's day out options, were just not...options. I found myself in the position of wanting to be really purposeful in my time at home with both my kids, but especially with Lucy.  She has such a curious personality & creative imagination.  I want to help her explore that.  I want to provide opportunities for her to ask questions, figure out her world & develop new skills---all while learning her abc's and 123's.  (which, she already knows...some in spanish... thanks to a spunky little girl with an adorable backpack ;)

picking tomatoes in a
ballet costume

  We are using the "Before Five in a Row" model. Lucy has become such a lover of books---and I want to embrace that and encourage it as MUCH as I can. I love that this isn't a "typical" way to do pre-school...and I love that it's all about laying the foundation for a love of learning. There are so many ideas online to go with each of the books they suggest and it has helped me think outside of the box in terms of other books we read and how to integrate fun activities with them.   I plan to do a lot more hands on activities with her because it suits her style of learning so much better. 

We are setting some goals to help us have some good direction (like, we want to read 50 new books between now and the end of the 2012, we want to officially potty-train, we want to finish the first book in the "Little House" series, etc..we have about 15 on our list for these first few months)

The point is, I'm trying to tap into the way SHE learns. I want it to be FUN. She's three, so if we're not feeling a particular activity that day, we'll move on. And I think the Before Five in a Row---along with lots of other activities and some parks & rec activities, will make for a really fun year of "preschool at home"

 
 
 
 
 
I hope to blog about our journey, but I'm not so good at keeping promises in that department.  we'll see...



shopping at wal-mart

a dog balloon, of course!

We've been testing the potty-training waters for a few months now.  Lucy is a trooper.  When we first tested her for readiness, she did really awesome.  Then I came down sick and the hard work went out the window.  Rinse & repeat circumstances for the subsequent months, only replace the situation with "Jack came down sick", "husband started new job", "daughter developed strong will".

I've never been one to be too concerned about it, honestly.  As my mother in law would say, "she won't go to Kindergarten in diapers."  Anyways, while we have mostly mastered #1, #2 is elusive...it seeems.  We've tried offering every type of reward known...and I do mean EVERYTHING.  Last I checked we were working on earning a princess watch---next thing I knew, she really wanted a "doggy balloon".  Sure, who doesn't?

So, while out shopping with my mom and sister yesterday, an excited little girl got to call me "mommy!  I poo-poo in potty!  Get me doggy balloon?????"  Sure, kid....we've all earned it.

don't tell Lucy, we've told her the balloon says "congrats on going poo-poo in the potty like a big girl!"

The First Four Years.

"there are several newlyweds headed off for their honeymoon here today."

I smiled. 

"that was us almost four years ago."

we both smiled.

I had just returned home from a weekend away in Dallas.  My husband with our two kids in tow was anxiously awaiting my arrival---complete with "Welcome Home Mommy" signs.  I bolted off the plane, just as anxious to see the two kids I had left---and perhaps moreso---the husband I hadn't spent more than a night apart from in four years.

Four years ago we were one of those starry-eyed couples preparing for our departure to our honeymoon destination.  Now here he was picking me up with two children....and we were the ones noticing the enormous amounts of couples departing to the many tropical locations, dreaming big of their future to come.

Four years.  FOUR YEARS.  We spent our anniversary night strolling around a school supply store and the library (don't worry, we'll celebrate when we have a babysitter this weekend)---four years.

Two babies, a new home, new job, new struggles, new successes...

We aren't the starry-eyed couple we were that day in the airport.  We're aware of struggle, hardship & what it means to make marriage work... (to the extent that we can at our young marriage age...)  But I am more in love with the man that God blessed me with than I was that day I committed myself to him forever.  (And, for the record I always thought that was so cliche....and now....now I know better). 

This weekend when I was away I was reminded of just how thankful I am for my husband.  It feels rare in this day to hear women share positive stories of their husbands and I count myself lucky to be able to be one of those women. 

Happy Anniversary, my love.

We are nesting again...

I’m a planner.  You likely wouldn’t assume this about me if you spent the day in my home and felt the level of disorganization going on that I have felt recently, but, I am a planner.  In my two pregnancies I managed to “nest” almost the entire duration.  There were needs to anticipate, closets to organize, things to label, walls to be washed & laundry room floors that needed to be mopped….again and again.

I’m nesting again.  Only, I’m not pregnant…..but we are expecting a child/children.

When I was in the 6^th grade, my parents opened up their home and took in 3 of our relatives for a short time.  I’ve always admired that my mom willingly took on three more children (pre-teens/teens at that!) when she already had 3 pre-teen/teens to raise.  I shared my bedroom and my parent’s attention.  And while I’m sure we all fought…often…I have really fond memories from that year. 

Fast forward to about five years ago when I started working at a private foster care agency in their admissions department….where I also met my husband.  For 2 ½ years I spent every day calling foster homes in search of placement for children that were brand new to custody or just in need of a new foster home.  It was always a mixture of somber and wonderful feelings all at the same time.  Here I was working to locate placements for children out of their home---and at the same time talking with some wonderful foster families who willingly took extra children into their home.

My husband and I have known that foster care and (possibly) adoption would be a part of our future families...before we were even a family. For my husband, he would have been ready the day after we said "I do," but while I wanted to do this---I needed to make the choice to do this. I always would say things like "someday we want to do foster care/adopt/help kids in need...when our kids are older/out of the home/less need...when we have more money/a bigger home/a larger car/a set schedule"

 A new job has allowed for a little extra money in the budget, but the other “when we_______’s” are still there.  So why now?  Because I believe that Jesus was serious when He told us to love our neighbors, care for orphans (even temporary ones), to love others….and all that stuff on mercy/justice/and grace…..you get the idea.  We have an extra bedroom and space in both our home and heart to do this.  And while we could wait for a bigger home/more money/when our kids are older….I think we’d be missing the point.  I think we’re all called to care about children in foster care & orphans….this is the way we feel led to “answer” this call in our lives.

We are about halfway through our training and we anticipate receiving our license as early as mid-September!  In the meantime, we are “nesting”.  We are purging our closets (& our hearts), praying, anticipating needs, stalking every thrift store in a 30- mile radius to find really nice furniture & misc supplies and purchasing loads of school supplies at cheap prices….in the event we take in a child in October and all of a sudden notebooks that were .17 in July are about $100 more than that.  We are preparing our home to pass an inspection…which means fixing that silly handrail on the steps that lead to our garage, locking up all of our medicines and cleaning supplies & finding a way to store our ammunition separate from our guns.  (kidding, no guns in this home!!)

Some people I’m sure think we are a little crazy…I feel a little crazy!  But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would rather be dubbed “crazy” than “complacent.”

 Please don’t get the wrong idea about these children!  They are not damaged….they are fearfully and wonderfully made.  And while some of them may be coming from the terrible situations you hear on the news---I’d say many of them just need a temporary place to stay while their parents receive some support to get things back on track.  We want to be that temporary place of shelter….and that support that encourages both sides.  Also, please know that we don’t consider ourselves special…quite the opposite actually.  We merely feel like we are taking a step of obedience.

I share this with all of you because we would love it if you would pray with us, for us & for the potential children and families we will have the privilege of working with.  I’d also like to share some of our “anticipated needs” in the event that you might have a “friend of a friend of a friend who is trying to sell her kitchen table”----I’ve been camping out at consignment stores like it’s my job and have managed to take care of some of these items---but it can’t hurt to spread the word!

Our needed wishlist:

-our most pressing need is for a minivan.  Our car can hold maybe one more person?  But certainly not if that person is needing to occupy a carseat.  Our SUV is paid off and we have been on the hunt for a reasonably priced minivan that can get us all from point a to point b…reliably. 

-twin beds, dressers (you know, the type of furniture you would need if a child 0-18 came to live with you) We have the usual baby items---and an extra crib at our disposal.

-sheet sets & bedding items (those spiderman sheets your son is no longer interested in?  maybe we might have use for them!) 

-clothing (this is one obviously can’t be worked with ahead of time)

-a kitchen table  (ours currently seats 3, we are on the hunt for a table that will seat at least 6)

-books, games, puzzles (items that span various age ranges)

-advice.  I KNOW there will be points where we have a child and I’m all of a sudden “oh my stars, what on earth do teenagers like to read/eat/watch?” or “I all of a sudden have a child who is totally into twilight---someone give me cliff notes, stat!”  be prepared J