back on the wagon (part 2)

After my valiant attempt on Friday night to "catch up" for the missed days previously....I sort of just passed up Saturday.

Ahem.

well, here are the words/phrases to sum up all I really have to say right now.

teething. weary. lots of laundry. over it. fighting bedtime. tired. work schedules. annoyed. mall trip. excited. good deals. blessed. cheap laundry detergent. expensive formula. fighting without words. not fighting fair. worn out. need a break....a real "break". pajama bunco. must bake something. complain a lot. overwhelmed with gratitude too.  potty training? snuggles. miss him when he's gone. must accomplish to-do list. long road trip ahead. not sure I have the energy. fell asleep while sitting up. parents as teachers tomorrow. must clean house. must keep house clean. behind. maybe something new? NEED something new. no competition. it is what it is. i like to be cryptic.

Head in the clouds...

August two. 

Whoa….how did THAT happen?!  July sort of just “took me by surprise…”  It’s been a wild month filled with fireworks, birthdays, challenges, new routines & lots of laundry. In fact, I only used three coupons the entire month and that happened on July 31^st. You all only heard from me once in July, and that was in a desperate plea for advice.   Since Jack’s birth, we’ve struggled to maintain any sort of schedule around here, cleaning or otherwise.  I wanted to adapt our old schedule, but I also knew that I would just have to adapt…again…once new activities began.

 As a result of that and my husband putting in an extra twenty hours a week at a second job, keeping up with anything has become a huge struggle.

 We need order.  As much as I pride myself on things that are “anti-order”, I’m also very much an organized and detail kind of gal. I like things clean & organized, even with the chaotic clutter of children.  That’s been lacking here and I am tired of spending my days playing catch-up.

 So, august second becomes my fresh start.  We’re working on a new schedule around here, a new way to try and maintain some semblance of order.  We’re figuring out how to stay on top of laundry…even with three extra loads a week (or more!) of cloth diapers.  We’re deciding how to organize our time so that when my husband is home, we’re able to make that quality family time.  We’re challenging ourselves with new monthly goals that take us a bit out of our comfort zone and provide some good accountability. We’re tackling creative projects that have long sat on to-do lists. We’re focusing on essentials & shutting out the noise.  We’re engaging our minds with God’s word & books, and not just “resting” in the comfort of television and the internet.  We’re trusting God in the “in-between” of life right now….in the “what might happen” as we explore some new and exciting opportunities that will for sure add further challenges.

 
We’re getting back in the swing of things.

Breastfeeding won't earn me a spot in Heaven & having an epidural won't keep me out...

I’ve been absent lately…or for the last month…but who is counting? I’d make excuses, but there’s no need. My family needs me---and that right there is why my computer gets left closed sometimes for days in a row lately. (Thank goodness for an iphone that still allows me to be “plugged” in for email & facebook while nursing Jack..)

I’d love to say it’s been just peachy here & that we are all well rested and adjusting to a new family member quite well. But that wouldn’t be true, and exhaustion just somehow forces honesty in me…so to be quite candid, it’s been chaos here for the last month.

Total chaos.

We are living in a home that looks like laundry (and my pantry) threw up in it, dealing with a baby who may have colic, reflux or both, trying to love on a toddler who is entering that independent & defiant stage, struggling to find time to nurture our marriage, working on plans to deal with financial burdens, hoping for rest & healing for Jack & myself and mostly just trying to “survive.”

I desire for my husband to be greeted by happy kids, a picked up home & a put-together wife. But most days I’m passing one (or both) kids off in order to clean puke off myself or wipe fresh “mom tears” from my face. Thankfully, he doesn’t have set expectations like I do…or if he does, he isn’t sharing them with me. J

But that brings me back to the point of this post. I, like my most mothers, have to fight against the comparison game every single day. Most of the time I win that battle, because quite frankly, my husband and I are convinced that we are parenting in the ways we know best. But exhaustion sets in & I quickly find myself frustrated, discouraged & often angry that I don’t have it all together, that nursing is a harder road for us than some, that my kids have no idea what a “schedule” is, that I can’t seem to love my husband well “enough”, that my daughter has spent more time watching Word World in the last month than I’ve spent reading books with her, & that despite my best attempts---I’m not, and never will be, June-stinkin’- Cleaver.

And so I fold. Or that’s at least my metaphor at the moment, and honestly, a common theme in my blogging. And not in a “I give up” sort of way, but in a “I’m going to be REAL honest and admit that I can’t do it all, & shouldn’t even try” sort of way. Part of that is recognizing that when I attempt to love my husband & my children relying solely on my own strength that I fail miserably…the other part is knowing that God is faithful to not just help me “survive” through these days…but really thrive through these days.

So, when I see the box of unopened Easter Egg dye because Mommy had an “Oh! Easter is TOMORROW???” moment, or my daughter’s laundry basket full of pj’s only because we never got into “real” clothes at all last week, or when I painfully follow the doctor’s advice and lay my screaming kid down in his crib just so I can have a break….

I remind myself that I’m not being compared in His eyes to the mom down the street that can “do it all.”

I remind myself that my husband loves me, whether or not I’m covered in spit up.

I remind myself that my daughter won’t remember whether or not we dyed easter eggs when she was 21 months old.

I remind myself that I’ll be a better mom when I lay my son down and “take a break”

I remind myself that, it’s ok to cry….and it’s even more ok to be totally real about a situation.

But mostly, I’m working really hard to remind myself that His grace is the ONLY way my husband and I are going to be successful in marriage & successful as parents.


And that might be the hardest reminder of all.

I'm no June Cleaver....

not.  even.  close.

I unashamedly gave you a glimpse into our home last week when "real life" happens.  (Truth be told, while the mess got picked up, it's pretty much back to the same state.)

I certainly don't have my hair and make-up done up to perfection.  I'm not dressed in a cute polka-dot dress (with a an adorable apron tied around my small waist) as I wait for my made from scratch cookies to be cooked to perfection, so that I can sit down with my children at the table for an afternoon heart-to-heart.

no no no no no.

While I did fix my hair this morning (only because I left the house for the first time in days)---my make-up is a wreck and the dark circles are prominent.  I was dressed in a cute little outfit, but changed quickly into my husband's sweats when I arrived home.  My waist is anything but small at this point and I begged my daughter to take a nap today so that I could rest on the couch.  And the cookies?  Well, I found an expired pouch of cookie mix in my pantry last weekend and begged my husband to make them.

I am no June Cleaver.

Sometimes I catch myself trying to "brand" myself as a mom---trying to fit some mold of what I think I ought to be--rather than appreciating the kind of mom God has so clearly made me.  I dwell on my weaknesses as a wife/mom and forget about the unique strengths I have when it comes to loving MY husband and guiding OUR children.

While I find it important to challenge myself in new areas of homemaking (sewing, cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc...)  I'm also learning to recognize that there are certain areas God has really gifted me in & others that are never going to be talents I can claim.  And boy, if I could learn that--and remember that---how freeing that would be!

We let our daughter stay up late when she fights her bedtime.  I turn on movies on her DVD player when nap time seems elusive.  She joins me in bed EVERY morning to watch cartoons while Daddy gets ready for work....and we eat a lot of meals as "picnics" on the living room floor.  We have toys from one end of the house to the other (and I love it---even when I stub my toe...because a kid REALLY does live here!).  We spend lots of days in our pajamas...and even if she gets dressed it's usually after lunch time.  We keep her out late on Friday nights as it's a family "date" night out of the house.  We let her use her crib mattress as a slide & I don't get upset (usually) when she decides to empty out her dresser drawers.

A few people have told my husband and I on different occasions that we are very laid-back parents (especially for first-timers.) I never would have classified myself as this, but I suppose I get what they mean.

We do "real life" here. And as much as I love a clean home & routines, they often don't happen...


Because, as I said...I'm no June Cleaver.

keepin' it real...

Just to "keep it real" around here....

(this laundy has been in the dryer for 5 days...)

....just in case you thought that because I love to organize & we really do follow a cleaning schedule around here....

...that somehow life doesn't happen around here

.....well, you'd be wrong.....because THIS is how our house looked when we went to bed last night (and unfortunately it actually looks worse right now....

...because life does happen. babies get sick. mommies get sick. daddies return to work after four-day weekends......



...and suddenly being organized and having a cleaning schedule means nothing when there is no energy to implement it.....

But that's ok. And honestly? I'm not even the least bit embarassed about giving a glimpse inside our home right now. Because as I've said before, having a clean home is the LEAST of my worries...and it certainly never takes priority over extra cuddles, cartoons and rest time for this expectant mamma.




~this is real life, baby~

Thriving in Survival Mode.

Life has been....busy? hectic? stressful? hmmm...I just can't choose one word to describe it.

Between growing a baby in my belly, dealing with a fussy toddler, working from home, keeping our home running, outside activities, and spending time with my sweet husband, life has felt like survival mode....at best.

And yet, in the midst of this pretty rough week, I have felt like we are actually thriving. After some thought as to how I could arrive at such a conclusion after the lack of sleep we've been through and the incredible frustration of this never-ending balancing act, I realized the reason I've felt like we're actually thriving is because of some of the elements we've worked so hard to put into place the last few months.


Let's face it, when you're exhausted and you've spent the entire day trying to work and wrestle an exhausted and sick child, the last thing you want to do is cook a nice dinner. Enter meals from our freezer! A while back we spent a weekend filling our freezer and we have thoroughly enjoyed the reward--in fact, we've emptied almost everything we cooked and are planning another cooking session.


The second is our household routine schedule. I'm still tweaking this to get it the way I feel most benefits our family---but at the end of a crazy week, our house is clean, laundry is done, and I haven't felt stressed about it one bit. By having a schedule like this, I was able to look at the chores and decide what needed the most attention and what could be ignored a while longer...and, since we've stayed on top of things, picking up messes or dusting furniture is a fairly quick process.










The third is a three-part plus. I've started making some of our own household cleaners and laundry soap. Earlier this week, when I ran out of kitchen counter cleaner I just mixed up another batch instead of having to make a trip to the store.

Similarly, I keep a well-stocked linen closet with personal care products (though it's looking a bit sparse lately--more on that later.) Instead of having to make a weekly wal-mart run or an impromptu trip whenever we run out of toothpaste, I just shop in my closet and save us a trip, time, and money. Oh, and it helps that most of those products were free or nearly free. Also, we've been buying diapers on amazon lately as part of the free Amazon mom program and Parenting magazine coupons. When my husband pulled the last diaper out of a box this week, there was already a reserve box waiting to be used.


Now, before you think that I must have it all together or that I'm showing off--you should know I haven't put on make-up all week, I've only left the house once, and I'm currently wearing my husband's sweats and a bleach-stained t-shirt. Oh, and I also wore the same yoga pants/shirt combo three times in a row this week. But, looking awesome wasn't high on my priority list this week.

I'm excited to feel like we're making some head way in home management techniques that actually work in our home---the trick has been tweaking every suggestion I've come across to match OUR home and OUR unique needs. I'm thankful that we're seeing progress in this area and feeling like we can actually thrive, even in survival mode....because in five months we're going to have a newborn in this house demanding attention....and it's going to be survival mode for quite some time :)

He IS my Shepherd

Our chuch is teaching from Psalm 23 for the next several weeks and after one message, I'm feeling challenged...and based on conversations with my husband and others, I'm not the only one.

Oh to talk about true rest...not just a movie night, a long nap, or a day spent shopping alone....but that elusive "true rest." Well, let's just say there's a lot I'm wrestling with lately and this message couldn't have been more timely. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks as well.

To be honest, I've felt overwhelmed lately. I felt overwhelmed before our vacation and I felt overwhelmed upon returning. I have felt rushed, busy, overcommitted, exhausted, and just plain cranky. I feel it in my relationships with other...and I have felt it spiritually. I feel a sense of frustration that I can't keep up, pull it all off, or have it all together...whatever those things actually mean (because if we were all to be honest, none of us keeps up, pulls it all off, or has it all together...)

I'm sick of putting myself in competition with other moms..either in real life or via the blog world...because I have a feeling if I peeked inside their real life, I'd see just how rushed and unrested they felt as well.

And let's face it...I'm 5 months pregnant and chasing a toddler all day...that alone is a full time job! Toss in chuch commitments, outside activities, Lucy's social agenda, working 20+ hours a week from home, trying to keep house, maintain a budget, buy things at rock-bottom prices, grow my marriage, play with my daughter, plan a menu, bring snacks to various activities, keep up with friendships....etc, etc, etc....and eventually? SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE.

I'm not playing a comparison game. We all feel busy. We are all way too busy. We all pile too much on our plate. We all long for true rest.

So this week, I'm going to work on time management...and not as in "I got everything done I wanted to do so I'm good at time management!" Rather, I'm going to think about what needs to get done each week, what I want to get done each week, and realistically what my time looks like....because I'm guessing something has to go....even if just for a short while.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to reflect on Psalm 23, focus on quality time with my husband, and get down on the floor and play as much as I can with my crazy little toddler.

Crafts, cleaning, and deal shopping can wait.

He IS my Shepherd.

I have my good days....

I don't have it all together. I don't pretend to have it all together. Take for example right now, my daughter and I are both still in pajamas (it's 11am)---she has refused a morning nap and our kitchen floor still has remains of last night's dinner. What you see is what you get here. My goal is to keep the major things MAJOR (loving my daughter, treasuring this time with her, encouraging my husband, etc..) and the minor things MINOR (keeping a clean home, always looking put together, etc...) It's easy for these things to get out of balance, and my God is faithful to convict me when they start to.

Yesterday Lucy went down for her morning nap at the scheduled time. I ate breakfast, got dressed, did hair/make-up, and finished up my bible study during that hour and twenty minute block of time. We played a lot after nap time until it was time for lunch....and then we played a lot after lunch time. Around 1:45, I loaded her up in the stroller and we walked up to the library for story time. I was feeling pretty "put together" yesterday and then I walked into the library and sat down on the floor.....and then I realized that I had dried applesauce all up and down the legs of my black pants, a slight mishap from lunch. And I started to let thoughts of "oh my goodness, I bet these people think I don't care about my appearance/think I don't know how to wash clothes/think I'm a bad wife for not trying to be attractive for my husband..." And then I looked at my daughter who was dancing to the music, blissfully unaware that her mom was wearing her lunch....and I stopped caring.

Now I don't purposefully do those sorts of things, but those things humble me enough to remind me to keep the major things major....and to throw the minor things out the door.

We checked out some books and came home yesterday afternoon and read them. I taught her to roar like a dinosaur and we played with my make-up brushes until Daddy rolled up. We ate dinner as a family before I rushed off to Bible study. Around 10pm last night she woke up and would not go back to sleep, instead of getting frustrated--I took her out of the crib and we cuddled under a big blanket on the couch.

I have my good days....

for everything there is a list...

Armed with the first glass of warm apple cider of this season I set out to complete a major project this afternoon.

I wrote 7 lists....well 6 new ones and updated my ongoing to-do list :)

1. I made a "crafts I'd like to work on" list.

2. A "focus area" list---as in, whenever there's a spare afternoon---I can refer to this list for large projects I can work on (ie: going through our massive bookshelf, DVD collection, etc..)

3. A home inventory list. I stockpile personal care items, paper products, pantry staples, and cleaning items when I get great deals--but sometimes there will be less than desirable sales and we'll find ourselves out of a particular item--which ultimately leads to a trip to wal-mart....which typically leads to finding 2-3 more things we need. So, I have an inventory list to check once a week and see if we're in need of (or will be needing soon) a particular item that can be added to the shopping list.

4 & 5. A BF and AF list, as in "before Florida" and "after Florida". We're headed out of town for ten days in the next couple of weeks and there is a LOT do do before the trip---and I'm assuming there will be many things that need to be on the "after" list as well, I'd just like to be prepared

6. And finally, a cleaning/activity schedule for the home. I had a cleaning schedule in the apartment that worked fairly well. The concept is assign tasks to each day---if they don't get done, it doesn't get done. Now, I have 5 things that are on EVERY DAY with the hopes that if the dishes don't get finished on Monday, they will on Tuesday. I made a list of every chore that needs to be completed and how many times a week I'd ideally love to have it done (ie: mop kitchen floors 3 times, pick-up bedroom 2 times, etc) I added to this schedule what activities we have on each day and I added a "paper pushing/etc" section which includes items like bill paying, coupon clipping, bank account updating, set aside reading time, craft time, and focus area time. This list has been a work in progress for a few weeks and I'm finally happy with how it looks.

Now, I need to rewind a bit---I love lists. I crave organization. I appreciate a nice clean home...BUT it is NOT and (never will be) my top...or even close to the top of my priorities list. I am a realistic gal who is quite aware that I don't have it all together and never will---and I'm certainly not going to pretend that I do :) I have a very active lil' gal who sleeps less than I would like her to and a husband who works a very varied schedule---those relatioships get my whole attention first...and if that means nothing gets checked off that week, it's quite ok with my husband and I.

The second reason for this list is that I have a very hands-on husband. Yes, I "stay home" (which is quite deceptive--because I actually work 20 hours from home a week, but I digress...) Anyways, Mr. B and I share just about every responsibility in the home...though I am solely in charge of updating our bank account (I have a special system for that) and he's solely responsible for taking the trash out :) I'd say that's pretty fair...

Anyways, my sweet husband often asks what he can help me with and some days I'm so frazzled that I have a really hard time thinking about what I need help with--our hope is if he can see a visible list and what is checked off, he'll be able to help and bypass talking to a crazy woman :)

So that's our October goal---which is probably the worst possible timing given the aforementioned trip....so it'll probably just be a "fall" goal. Having a schedule and seeing if that helps maintain order and actually make "keeping house" easier...

trial and error....

This seems to be the reoccurring theme in my life ever since I quit my full-time job to pursue all things domestic.

In theory I actually appreciate recipes, instructions, lessons, and advice.

In real life however....I've come to loathe all of the above.

If I cook (which Mr.B graciously does most of that) it's usually a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants sort of adventure. Sometimes my meal works and sometimes the concoction fails....miserably.

Trial and error.

I have the biggest desire in the world to become a woman who loves to sew and can just look at her sewing machine and magically a perfect design will just pop out of it. However, I just unwrapped the machine and chucked the instructions. They were clearly written for people who were already quite familiar with how to "thread a bobbin." I have plenty of women in my life who have offered to help me in this area (and one of these days I'll be humble enough to ask them--but for now, I feel like it'd really be a punishment for them to "teach" me to sew)

TRIAL and ERROR

Ah, and life as a mom....how to successfully get Lucy to nap like a champ, take milk from a sippy cup, stop using a pacifier, and learn how to walk. From day one Lucy made it quite clear that no amount of sleep training, cry it out, soothing, etc could convince her to take a nap....I have no stinkin' idea why some days she'll fall asleep with not even a whimper and the next day she's screaming her head of while tossing everything out of her crib.

TRIAL AND ERROR

And so I'm learning to accept the fact that this domestic gig, like every other area of my life, is going to be a complete work in progress. Sometimes I'm going to blow it--and sometimes I'm going to pull out a victory. I just have to keep trucking along and not play the "compare your domestic goddess skills to my domestic mess skills".

Afterall, I may not be able to get my daughter to nap consistently, but she does giggle every time she eats a bite of banana. I'm guessing not to many people can claim that as a success story out of their home.