Our children were not "planned"

(this is part 1...I wrote so much it needed three separate posts!)

No, in fact, they were wonderful answers to prayer.

 Before I go any further, let me say this…..this is our journey, our faith story, our convictions, our struggles, our wrestled with thoughts.  Please hear it as such, and not as anything else.

 When I walked down the aisle almost three years ago, my soon to be husband and I were in agreement that we would start thinking about trying for a baby when we celebrated our two year anniversary.  He would finish Seminary while I continued to work full time.  We would save as much money as we could and we would hopefully be in a house by that point.  While we knew we wanted a large family, we also wanted to enjoy married life without being burdened with children yet.

 About a month later we were driving home from a wedding of some dear friends.  I had been struggling a lot with feeling as though God was tugging at my heart.  I began to share these struggles with my husband.  Imagine my surprise when God had been nudging him about the exact same things!  We both felt trapped.  We felt as though we were so certain of how the next 2.5 years of our marriage would work out that we were leaving very little room to truly trust God to work in our marriage and lay the foundation of our future.  We felt convicted about our attitude towards not wanting children…yet.  We felt uncertain about our future career plans…(this would later be made QUITE clear that this was not an intended direction after all.)  We felt….we felt we needed to surrender one particular area of our lives to God.

I went off the pill….almost as quickly as I had went on it.  Honestly, it was making me sick and causing a whole host of other problems.  We believed our doctor when she said it could take several months.  We were not trying, nor were we preventing.  We were trusting.

Two sweet pink lines showed up on the same day America elected Barack Obama to office.  I was shocked, scared & delighted….all at the same time.  We were starting a family, and yet, we had barely unpacked from our Honeymoon. 

Thoughts of “what will people think” flooded my heart before the test was even dry.  I knew what they would think….because I’ve been on the opposite side as well.  And we had to answer questions…the worst was/is “was she planned?”  There were several times that I cried to my husband that people would always think our daughter was an “accident.”  In our minds, she was just the beginning stage of a deep faith journey God was about to take us on. 

She was planned by Him…a gift to us….to know Him more…..

stay tuned for parts 2 & 3

Top 10 in 2010

Saw this on my friend Kat's blog--had to copy! So, here you go...my top favorite photos from 2010....

"Promise me you'll be here in the morning..."

Maybe it's the hormones from pregnancy. Maybe it's the reality that tragedy exists.

Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't watch Lifetime movies...or movies like "Raising Helen" when I'm nearly 7 months pregnant. Regardless, that was the phrase I tearfully said to my husband the other night before drifting off to sleep.

This was the conclusion of what started out as a harmless, almost joking, conversation with my brother-in-law a few hours prior. God forbid something ever happens to both my sister and brother-in-law, my husband and I will step up and try to fill the mighty big shoes of these incredible two people...as guardians to four additional kiddos. My brother-in-law has often joked about this responsibility, and the mortgage that comes along with it.

My husband and I have talked off and on about the reality of needing to have something in writing, God forbid something ever happens to the both of us. We have no monetary possessions that people would fight about, but with so many people that love our daughter--we want our wishes to be clear. It's in these conversations I feel like I see the desires for our child (ren) for the future, and pray that the Lord will make my husband and I a part of them.

Obviously we desire for our children to be exposed to the love of Jesus that has rescued the two of us, but the more I express what I would want to happen, the more I realize the issue goes much further for women than it does for men. (though I will say my husband and I have generally been in agreement about what we want) Practically speaking, our children could have multiple options of people to love them in our absence---but last night it became clear to me what I've been trying to express in all these conversations with my husband.

It's what Helen's sister wanted. (Seriously, I've watched this movie about four times in the past month. :) Helen wasn't necessarily the obvious choice, she was who her sister felt could represent her the best in her absence.

Simply stated: I want our "fill-in" parents to be able to be the best representation of the kind of mom I am and desire to be. I want them to be able to share stories of my husband and I; stories of growth, humor, sadness, change, love, etc. I want them to let my kids get messy, stay up late just because, crawl in bed on the weekends and watch cartoons, take impromptu trips to the park/library/wal-mart, read books to even when there "isn't time," etc.

If my kids can't have me, I want them to have what I feel would be the best representation of me.

...even if it means they have to move into a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn because that's all the new guardians can afford once they've taken them all on.

(and if you haven't seen this movie, you should watch it...)

the holiday season rewind.

My husband and I were discussing the fact that, yes, there is indeed a baby growing inside of me and it's not just residual baby belly from Blessing #1 :)


Anyways, we talked about the upcoming holiday season and how at Christmas I'll be 27 weeks pregnant....and then we talked about the holiday season over the last four years. Now, if you know me in real life (or if you have taken the time to read my profile) you'll understand that our lives have changed a LOT since we rang in the new year in 2008.


Let's rewind a bit.


Holiday season 2007. I'm quite the single gal....with quite the crush on this one special guy. He's quite the single guy with quite the crush on this one special gal. We talk to each other over Christmas, several times in fact. But alas, we both celebrate Christmas 2007 solo.


Then, 5 days later....my now husband asks me out :) So, at least we got to celebrate New Years Eve 2007 as a couple. We get engaged 3 months later and meet each other at the front of our church a little over four months after that.


Holiday season 2008, we are with child....as in, my uterus is now home to Blessing #1. I'm 12 weeks pregnant....we're newlyweds....and I'm loving how God's plan is shaping up.

Holiday season 2009 we have a six-month old daughter! We play Santa, play in the snow, and stay in our jammies all day long!

And this Holiday season--2010? I will be 27 weeks pregnant with Blessing #2.


We don't have the "typical" story....or maybe we do?


Either way, I can say with complete confidence that we had nothing to do with it. Our God is faithful in ordaining time, situations and babies. Ok, so we had a little to do with that :)

MIA...for like, two weeks?

It's true....I had a whole host of things to write about prior to our big trip and now I've been off the map for well over two weeks. Right now I'm blogging from Tampa--awaiting our delayed flight home.

That's right, I spent the last 10 days in Florida...and they had unseasonably high temperatures as well. We spent 6 days in 4 different Disney Parks, attended Mickey's Not-so Scary Halloween party, swam in the Ocean, flew over the Ocean, and even slept near the ocean.

I'll be sharing more about our trip in the next few weeks--complete with photos.

I'm sad to be heading back--I mean, it's always nice to go home...but it's been much nicer to be away from reality for awhile. My husband and I have had some great talks about new ways to save money---and have started planning our "goals" for the month of November...more on that later as well.

But, I'm also glad to be heading back. The break from "reality" is just what we all needed---even if we're coming back exhausted and sun-burned...I'm excited for the fresh creativity I have and some neat ideas for blogging, freelancing, and managing my home.

Vacation does a mind good...even if it wore out this pregnant mama's body.

Speaking of which, I'll have pregnancy updates as well!

So, lots to write about upon our ACTUAL arrival to Kansas!

Stay tuned!

out of control discipline

(hmm...I thought I had this scheduled to post early this morning...I'll figure out the automatic post times sometime!)

What do you get when you put together a Family Studies major with a Criminal Justice major-turned social service worker? Two people with LOTS of ideas, thoughts and concerns about human behavior and discipline.


My husband and I talk about parenting....a LOT. Before we were married we began talking about how we saw our family. What we liked growing up, what we felt could have been different, how we'd like to raise our kids, our thoughts on homeschooling, whether or not spanking is effective, etc....We have a variety of books on our bookshelf about parenting, discipline, and even homeschooling. We take each book not as a reference guide, but merely as a discussion starter---and the homeschooling book? We just want to be educated should we ever decide that one or more of our children would benefit more from being educated at home.


With both of us having backgrounds in the foster care world we've seen "discipline" go horribly wrong. We watch what others around us do and talk about what methods we feel are or are not effective....but mostly, we just talk about what we'd like to try.


Lucy is nearing the age where she can recognize a few things that are not acceptable behaviors---but we get that she still needs a lot of reminding that we don't play with DVD's. :)


Now my husband and I have both been guilty of being the parents that literally say "NO" all day long...and often at increasing volumes. But last week (after one of those days) I felt really convicted about my attitude. Sure, I'm exhausted, sore and growing a baby--but Lucy doesn't get that. She's just exploring her world and I was trying to stop that explorative spirit. The next day at MOPS--our speaker further tugged at my heart about nurturing my daughter's creativity and changing my focus from worrying about the "minor" things.


That night (and into this weekend) my husband and I talked at great lengths about how can we teach our daughter to obey us as parents while also not creating an environment so controlled that we kill her curious spirit? We don't have many answers yet---but we're on the same page and enjoying the discussion. We know there are certain things that she must learn she can't touch---and the other things? Well, it's merely an annoyance for us to have to put all the towels back in the drawer for example--but for her, it's a good 15 minutes of fun finding the towels, unfolding them, lining them up on the floor and then sitting on each one. It takes us two minutes to clean up---and soon she'll be at the age when she can start helping.

It's easy for me to forget sometimes that my daughter is only 14 months old...and developmentally she can't possibly remember or even predict what things are off limits...especially in new environments. My husband's job and my education have continually reminded us of that fact and the fact that discipline can (and often should) look differently for each of our children. We're learning, talking and adjusting our ideas and expectations---which honestly, I feel like is the best part of all of this. We know we're going to have days when we fail miserably---but we'd like to be able to get it "right" most of the time! :)

I love that my daughter is curious. I love that she doesn't show much fear and will willingly go play with other children and hug family members she hasn't seen in a while. I love the excitement in her eyes when she figures something out or discovers where all of her shoes are "hidden". I don't want to kill this curiousity by saying "NO" to every minor thing and losing my cool daily.



....and for that, I'm going to need a LOT of grace :)

14 weeks...and some odd days

A little late getting a pregnancy update on here--a trip out of town Fri-Sunday put us a bit behind in every aspect of life it seems.

Baby #2 is 14 (almost 15 weeks) baked. We had an appointment last Thursday and were able to hear the heartbeat. The doctor was having a hard time finding it--but located it quick enough for us to hear it briefly--but we weren't able to get a heartrate because it was so difficult to locate. No weight gain yet, but the belly is starting to shape up (or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I look more pregnant than fat? hmmm.... :)

We're getting excited--I think the shock of "oh my goodness we're going to have two babies under the age of two!" has worn off a bit and we've moved on to talking about baby names, nursery ideas, and planning for a smooth transition.

Physically speaking I feel exhausted...still. I'm incredibly sore already. I had a lot of back pain and cramping throughout my first pregnancy and the pains seemed to have started sooner this time around. Partly that's due to obviously caring for a toddler right now--and partly due to the travelling in a car this weekend and sleeping arrangements. The nausea for the most part has disappeared---though I did manage to throw up a lot Friday night while out of town in a hotel room....but my husband and I are calling that a fluke and both praying that we're past at least one discomfort.

I'm hoping for the second trimester energy boost to show up any day now and we're going to try a back support belt that my doctor recommended.

Otherwise we're preparing for a big (big as in several years in the making!) trip to Florida in a few weeks, trying to get caught up on work for my job at home, working to keep up with one curious lil' gal, and learning a lot about parenting and discipline (but that's another blog post!)

take me back.

I am not what you would call "knowledgable" about music. I don't have a diverse collection of CD's or iTunes. I find a few songs that I tend to listen to over and over again....and those songs can literally take me back to a moment in time in an instant.

When I hear "I can only Imagine" by Mercy Me, I'm 18 driving in my "new" car on my way home from college for the weekend. It's blaring as loudly as possible on the then working stereo system in my car (because, in case you didn't know, it's incredibly cool to blast Christian music on your car radio.) I'm a freshman in college and a new believer in Christ.

"Praise you in this Storm" comes up and I'm a senior strolling through campus with my mp3 player. It's a Sunday afternoon and my Grandfather has just passed away, the last of my surviving grandparents. Tears undoubtedly collecting in my eyes as I struggle to figure life out in general.

"Here's to Hindsight" by Tara Leigh Cobble (google her music, fantastic) puts me in my small basement apartment my first year out of college. No heat, flooded when it rained and the stove sat in the middle of the room. I'm trusting wholly in God at this point, knowing He alone brought me through college & called me to graduate at that appointed time. I'm working as a para for a local school, struggling to pay bills, and enjoying my evenings at the local coffee shop reading.

"Love of God" by Mercy Me---and it's a year after I sat alone so many nights in a Manhattan coffee shop learning about my Jesus---now I'm walking through my soon-to-be fiance's apartment. He's learned this song knowing it's my favorite and the song I will someday walk down the aisle to. I walk through a tunnel of streamers and meet him at the end. He puts down his guitar, gets down on one knee and changes my life forever. I know then that the year alone in that tiny apartment shaped me for this moment.

"Everything" by Michael Buble and I've just shared my first kiss as a wife! We walk out with arguably the biggest grins on our faces of all time. We are united as one and ready to face the world.

"Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman and I'm watching my husband wrestle on the floor with our fun-loving daughter. They've only known each other a year, but they will be buddies for life. She has Daddy wrapped around her finger and he is completely smitten by her. She'll wait by the door everyday and yell "da-da!" as soon as she sees that red car roll down our street. Their relationship makes me so thankful that he is my partner and the father of my children.

"He's always been Faithful" and it's any moment over the past 8 years. Eight years ago I made a choice on a college campus. I chose to follow Jesus...and believe me the path since then has been a rocky, but beautiful, journey. He has been faithful in friendships, in crossing my path with my husband's, in starting our family on His timing, and for providing for every need we have ever worried about. I will forever be singing this song.

I'm no music expert....but I know how to be taken back.

holding on.

My daughter is nearly 14 months old, a toddler....

This time last year she was just shy of two months old. Now, I certainly enjoy reflecting on the past and taking some time to get a little sappy now and then, but yesterday at the park took it to a whole other level.

She went from snuggling in one swing...

...to giggling with laughter in another

I smiled with pride as I thought over the past year and I almost felt a little sad at every comment my husband or I had made in which we said "I can't wait until she can do ________." We meant well, but man...it's unbelievable all that she has done in the past year!

My cuddly baby is now a very active and happy little girl. She loves her daddy, giggles over everything, and now hands me her elephant and pacifier at the end of the nap. She is SUCH a big girl. :)

I also smiled with pride thinking of all the moments my husband and I have gotten it "right" over the last year--the moments where we disregarded "responsibility" or "cleaning" and got down on that floor to play with that active lil' gal. We often talk about how to really treasure this time when our children will be little and look back with the fondest of memories---and the least amount of regrets possible.

So far, I think we're getting it "right" more often than not. We let her get messy, crunch leaves, climb in bed with us in the morning to watch cartoons, walk/run through the Olathe mall--(because it's apparently SO FUN to do that), and we play...and play...and play some more. I'm sure we'll pretend to eat hundreds of meals or drink hundreds of drinks before the game grows old to Lucy. I'm certain we'll pretend to sleep on the floor hundreds of more times so she can dive into us and crack up when we pretend to be startled.

But mostly I'm certain that I love being a mommy (even on the worst of days), I love watching her explore her world, and I have LOVED watching my husband tranform into a father who will get down on the floor EVERY night and play with his lil' gal even after he's had the longest day as well.

~holding on to these moments~

The best kind of suprise...

(She is a terrible secret keeper....good to know if I ever have any real secrets....)







But she is very accurate as well!







There actually IS a baby in my belly, and yes, just one baby!







I am 10 weeks along and we are due on March 24th. It's still a little early, but we've already had the joy of seeing the tiny little baby's heartbeat on ultrasound about 3 weeks ago and had two healthy appointments








Some fun facts about this pregnancy....

I will have given birth at both age 25 and 26 (after baby #2)....I turned 25 the day before Lucy was born and turned 26 about a week before we found out we were expecting #2

I've been pregnant in July 09' and July 10'

Our babies will be about 20 months apart

We were pregnant (and didn't know it) before Miss Lucy turned 1!


We have been bursting with suprise, excitement, and joy for the last six weeks and are so thankful to be sharing the news now!