3 years

~August 16th, 2008~

"From this day forward, I Rachel, receive you Jonathan, to be my husband. 

With kindness, trust, and unselfishness, I will walk by your side and encourage you as we follow God’s plan for our lives.

I promise to love you, pray for you, honor you, and always remain faithful to you. 

I promise to respect you and protect you from harm, to be truthful and to cherish you always,

By loving you Faithfully: In times of joy and in times of sadness, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of surplus and in times of shortage, in times of blessing and in times of doubt, until our Heavenly Father calls me home.                          

     This is my solemn vow.



Three years ago I put on the most beautiful dress I had ever laid eyes on and recited the vows we had written ourselves with a man that caputured my heart.  We wrote our vows because we knew what we wanted to commit to one another.  Looking back at these, we had no idea what God had in store for us in three short years.  Two career changes, a "new to us" car, a "new to us" home, two precious babies, financial struggles, relational highs and lows, unexpected personal and spiritual growth, the merging of two families & a kind of love I never expected to receive.  These photos highlight the most beautiful and shocking moments of marriage for us (um, two babies in three years?!)---and yet in them, I know the footprints of the struggles that have awaited us and that we have tackled painfully head on.  Marriage is hard....and it can certainly even be painful.  But I believe with all my heart that marriage is a gift, truly designed to bless us, challenge us & bring us closer in intimacy with our Heavenly Father.  It has certainly been all those things for me.

To the man that has seen me at my worst---and loved me at his best--words cannot express how lucky I feel to be your bride and the mother of your children.  Even in what seems like such an ordinary life, you make me feel extraordinary.  Every struggle has resulted in a triumph....I am ever so thankful to be your partner as we journey through life together.  I meant those words three years ago, and I mean them today.  I pray we will both feel freedom in the commitment we made before God to each other.  Can't wait for the next surprise......(another baby, perhaps?) :)

**wedding photos courtesy of Mark Sorenson Photography**

these boots were made for walkin'....

Clever, no?  Well, boots aren't really the topic of this post.

See these beauties?  These were picked out amongst hundreds of other options in my quest to find the perfect wedding shoes.  The hunt began right around this time three years ago.  I purchased several options...only to return them after a second glance.  But these shoes made the cut...and today they sit perched on a shelf in my closet....at the perfect height for my toddler to grab them and play with.

Like most engaged couples, we struggled with focusing on the fact that we weren't just preparing for a wedding...but for a marriage.  These shoes are just one example where emphasis might have been placed heavily on items that truly had little importance after August 16th, 2008.  On Saturday mornings we'd gather in our Pastor's home and I'd gush over wedding favors, flowers & the invitations...and while our Pastor and his wife were excited along with us, they were also quick to continually remind us that the wedding is one day....and we ought to be pouring more (or at least just as much!) focus into the lifelong commitment we were going to be making.

They were right.

And...we knew that.  Quite honestly I think we did pretty well with the balance.

Something lately has triggered my mind to remember those comments nearly three years ago.  I suppose it's the fact that my daughter takes every opportunity to pull those shoes (and many more) off my shelf and stomp around during the day.  The very fact that I was spending my days pouring over shoe options nearly three years ago, and today I'm searching for the best grocery deals, diaper deals & googl-ing how to remove mud stains from kids clothes....that right there shows how different my life has become.

I had only known my now husband a year (dated 8 months) before I said "I do."  We became pregnant two months later...and on our second anniversary we were celebrating with our one-year old daughter & I was battling morning sickness from baby number two.

We skipped a lot of the newlywed stage...heck, we skipped a lot of the dating stage.  I don't regret it, but it did put us on the "fast track" to dealing with real life.  Baby number one didn't shake our lives up too much, but with baby number two & a toddler fighting for our attention, we're forced to face the facts.

Marriage is beautiful & marriage is HARD.

I love my husband more than I ever could have imagined, but I am a selfish, sinful person that is married to another selfish, sinful person.  We both own that fact....and we are both painfully working through that fact in order to love each other more intentionally & seek God's will for our marriage.  And I'll be honest, there are days that I wish I could return...or at least would have treasured more...the time when finding the perfect wedding shoes was my biggest worry, when sleeping in meant past 10am & when I could go to the bathroom without having an audience.

While those shoes may have brought me down the aisle.. it's God's grace that is bringing me through marriage.

Breastfeeding won't earn me a spot in Heaven & having an epidural won't keep me out...

I’ve been absent lately…or for the last month…but who is counting? I’d make excuses, but there’s no need. My family needs me---and that right there is why my computer gets left closed sometimes for days in a row lately. (Thank goodness for an iphone that still allows me to be “plugged” in for email & facebook while nursing Jack..)

I’d love to say it’s been just peachy here & that we are all well rested and adjusting to a new family member quite well. But that wouldn’t be true, and exhaustion just somehow forces honesty in me…so to be quite candid, it’s been chaos here for the last month.

Total chaos.

We are living in a home that looks like laundry (and my pantry) threw up in it, dealing with a baby who may have colic, reflux or both, trying to love on a toddler who is entering that independent & defiant stage, struggling to find time to nurture our marriage, working on plans to deal with financial burdens, hoping for rest & healing for Jack & myself and mostly just trying to “survive.”

I desire for my husband to be greeted by happy kids, a picked up home & a put-together wife. But most days I’m passing one (or both) kids off in order to clean puke off myself or wipe fresh “mom tears” from my face. Thankfully, he doesn’t have set expectations like I do…or if he does, he isn’t sharing them with me. J

But that brings me back to the point of this post. I, like my most mothers, have to fight against the comparison game every single day. Most of the time I win that battle, because quite frankly, my husband and I are convinced that we are parenting in the ways we know best. But exhaustion sets in & I quickly find myself frustrated, discouraged & often angry that I don’t have it all together, that nursing is a harder road for us than some, that my kids have no idea what a “schedule” is, that I can’t seem to love my husband well “enough”, that my daughter has spent more time watching Word World in the last month than I’ve spent reading books with her, & that despite my best attempts---I’m not, and never will be, June-stinkin’- Cleaver.

And so I fold. Or that’s at least my metaphor at the moment, and honestly, a common theme in my blogging. And not in a “I give up” sort of way, but in a “I’m going to be REAL honest and admit that I can’t do it all, & shouldn’t even try” sort of way. Part of that is recognizing that when I attempt to love my husband & my children relying solely on my own strength that I fail miserably…the other part is knowing that God is faithful to not just help me “survive” through these days…but really thrive through these days.

So, when I see the box of unopened Easter Egg dye because Mommy had an “Oh! Easter is TOMORROW???” moment, or my daughter’s laundry basket full of pj’s only because we never got into “real” clothes at all last week, or when I painfully follow the doctor’s advice and lay my screaming kid down in his crib just so I can have a break….

I remind myself that I’m not being compared in His eyes to the mom down the street that can “do it all.”

I remind myself that my husband loves me, whether or not I’m covered in spit up.

I remind myself that my daughter won’t remember whether or not we dyed easter eggs when she was 21 months old.

I remind myself that I’ll be a better mom when I lay my son down and “take a break”

I remind myself that, it’s ok to cry….and it’s even more ok to be totally real about a situation.

But mostly, I’m working really hard to remind myself that His grace is the ONLY way my husband and I are going to be successful in marriage & successful as parents.


And that might be the hardest reminder of all.

one year devoted...

Last week my husband and I completed a journey we had been on for 365 days together.

One year ago we both were desiring some direction in our spiritual journey together. We needed to add something to our prayer time at night together and we were in a place were we needed to truly be focusing on our marriage.

Now, I've started many devotionals, reading plans & books...and I last usually 3-5 days on that plan. Maybe that's why the completion of this journey feels like such an accomplishment...maybe it's because our marriage relationship has been challenged and strengthened over the past year...maybe it's a little of both.

Last November we walked into the Christian bookstore with a goal in mind. Both fans of the movie Fireproof, our eyes and hearts were attracted to the Love Dare Devotional.

Of course I was ridiculously skeptical and I would be lying if I didn't say there weren't moments where this devotional was a bit...over the top? And no, it wasn't filled with theologically driven writings. It was basic. to the point. exactly what we needed at that point in life.

Either way, my husband and I committed to the task and added this nightly reading to our prayer time together. Each week there was an assigned dare...and while we purposed to do a few, most fell to the side. I don't think that ruined the experience.

With the exception of the night my best friend got married...and the night we were both so angry with each other we went to bed without speaking (yes, even cute couples like us have our moments...) we completed each night's reading.

We sat in bed last week discussing how far we've come individually and as a couple this past year. We talked about the highs and lows of our year and what we felt like God was doing in our lives presently. We dreamed out loud about the future and we smiled as we opened our Love Dare Devotional for the last time.

A year ago I was skeptical we'd make it through a week of this reading. Now I'm stoked to think with my husband what we'll tackle next.