purging

"Where have I substituted the American Dream for God's Kingdom?"--Jen Hatmaker, "7"

A little over two years ago my husband and I packed our belongings and moved into our cozy "new" home. At 1200 sq feet, it looks and sounds smaller than most homes in our area.  But looks can be deceiving and as you step inside you'll quickly notice there is more space than what that curb appeal first led you to believe.  There are three bedrooms (4 if you count the finished attic space that we've filled with our junk in the past two years).  There is a garage that isn't big enough to accomodate a car, but it holds our oversized chest freezer & ride-on toys quite nicely.  There is no basement, no over-sized laundry room, no walk-in closets that should be bedrooms themselves & no "extra" storage.  The grass is dead because we're in a drought and I refuse to spend money watering my lawn when I'm being asked to conserve water.

Two years ago there was PLENTY of space for us.  When all the boxes had landed we couldn't believe how much space we had!  (You should know we were moving from an 800 sq foot apartment at the time and had just one child).  Things feel a little cramped these days with the addition of another child and enough children's clothes to outfit an entire village filling up our attic.  This leads me to wanting more.  more storage.  more bedrooms.  more space.  And as a result, more stuff to fill all that extra space.

It is a vicious cycle.  It's gross. 

What happens when I have more?  If the past serves as a good indicator...I'll probably just want more.

I live in a country that tells me by certain standards (and federal poverty guidelines) that I am "somewhat poor".  The sickening part is that I actually believe it.  And in the meantime I can load my children into our SUV and drive to the doctor where they will receive the proper immunizations.  We'll head to the store where I will be able to purchase food to cook for dinner that night.  We will enter our home that is cooled to a nice 72 degrees and has indoor plumbing.  We'll drink water straight from the tap because it's safe & bathe our children in warm water.  We'll go to our individual bedrooms at the end of the night after watching TV and we'll sleep in wonderfully comfortable beds....with the only real danger of going through life so unaware that we don't recognize just how rich we are.

We've been slowly taking steps in our lives to make intentional changes, to take intentional steps on how we live & how we love others.  Last weekend we loaded up 7 trashbags full of our adult-sized clothes and dropped them off at a local thrift store.  This was HUGE....and yet it barefully scratched the surface at the same time.  We're in the process of "making room" in our home for some things I'll share later (no, not pregnant!) & there is no choice but to reduce.  After appreciating the fact that our home had a master bedroom with two closets for the past two years, we simply decided we didn't need our own closets full of clothing & shoes, most of which probably were not worn that often anyway.  So we reduced.  we combined. 

Right now we live in this "in-between."  We want so desperately to rebel against these lies we are told day after day & engage in a radically different lifestyle.  One that is content to live in a 1200 sq ft home & still fill it up with the wonderful sound of children.  We want to reduce, reduce, reduce so that there is actually room in our heart and in our home for the Gospel to truly take hold of our hearts and really bear fruit in our lives. 

Purging our closets is symbolic to the deeper purging we must do in our hearts on a continual basis.  What thoughts, attitudes, actions or behaviors are not of the Lord?  Purge them.  Where am I substituting my attitude of "I'm owed this for all my___________"  Purge it.  Where have I allowed anger and resentment to clog the communication lines in a relationship?  Where has discontentment robbed me from recognizing what God desires for me right now? Where am I allowing selfishness to keep me from loving others the way Jesus instructed us to do?  Where am I allowing my own thoughts to water down the message and instruction of the Gospel?  Where have I become so blind in my "first world problems", that I fail to see real problems all around me?  Purge, purge, purge it all.....

"I have simply said, "Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk & more of You and Your Kingdom."  I will reduce, so He can increase."-Jen Hatmaker, "7"

amen.


*****side note---I wrote this post last weekend and continued to digest all of these thoughts.  There's a balancing act we all must carefully walk & figure out when less is more....and when it truly is just not enough.  We are making some radical changes in our lives in which having a larger space/more bedrooms/etc could be of great value---and not just for pure consumption.  There are other times when I want that "new, bigger, more expensive" item....just because.  I want to recognize need vs want and teach my kids the proper relationship as well.  I want to model behavior that teaches responsible spending---and that just because I can afford something, doesn't mean I need it.  It's a tight-rope walk that I haven't even come close to mastering.  I'm not even sure most days I know HOW.  But I'm open to the discussion of it---to the continual analysis of my heart in relationship to material items, my home & my bank acocunt.  All I can pray for is a teachable spirit.*****

Our children were not "planned" part 3

This is part 3...you can read parts 1 & 2 by simply scrolling down...

But, money does factor in.  We live in a society with emphasis on responsibility…and we very much want to be “responsible.”  But what does that really mean?  As my husband and I process through the idea of future children/family planning….money is always the issue.  I’m perplexed….because I hear the commandment “be fruitful and multiply” & yet it’s as if there’s a “when your bank account is full” that is now attached to that statement.  We consider families big when there are three or more children, we tell people not to have children until they can “afford” them (what does that even mean?  Can I afford a child if I can feed them….or dress them in designer clothes…or fully fund their education?) we* laugh when someone announces a pregnancy while still nursing a baby & we encourage people to wait several years before “trying” for a family.  Is any of this wrong?

I don’t know.  I truly don’t.  I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel a little uneasy about some of it. Have we as a christian community somehow gotten it “wrong”?  Have we lost sight of the idea that “children are a blessing from God”?

**I use “we” because I lump myself into the group that does these things.  Even with all my questions…I probably am the most hypocritical person ever.  Just sayin’…

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We had one positive pregnancy test as soon as we physically stopped trying to prevent (sure, we could have gotten pregnant while using the pill…but I believe God wanted us to take that step of obedience.)  We had another positive pregnancy test while preventing pregnancy….but also praying for God’s will in that area.  Right now?  Right now I simply don’t know. 

The one thing I know for sure is that our children were planned.  Planned by God…ordained to be with us at this very moment in time.  They were welcomed with great anticipation & love…and are celebrated every day in our lives.  Our future children, Lord willing, will be no different.  Even if our financial situation never changes, I pray to God that I will welcome every child with the same, if not more, anticipation and joy….and appreciation for His timing. 

This is where I sit…wrestling in my heart.  As my husband and I pray through all of this, we’re met with the reality that financially and worldly speaking, another child would be “irresponsible” at this point.

 On the other hand, we’re faced with the undeniable truth that God has had perfect timing with our children and set into motion a beautiful faith journey and legacy.  We battled through some tough stuff in our marriage the first year or so…and having a baby girl on the way made us more committed than ever.  Would we have made it through without a baby on the way?  Probably...but I believe without a shadow of a doubt that God has used our children to stretch us & push us so far out of our comfort zone into the unknown...and into His arms.   Learning to trust in God’s timing and providence has been (and probably will be) a daily…if not hourly…battle for us for the rest of our lives….and He has used our pregnancies and our children to push us into deep intimacy with Him.  For us, that is worth any worldly sacrifice we may have had to make.

Thanks for allowing me to process…this is an area that my husband and I are always in prayer over.  I don’t have the answers…I just have loads of question…and hopefully equal amounts of trust.  This is just me sharing the wrestling of my heart over this issue....

questions?  comments?  concerns?  email me at rachelonrewind at gmail.com

Our children were not "planned" part 2...

(this is part 2 of 3...you can read part 1 by scrolling down....)

…my faith in the whole “let’s trust God’s timing” began to shift.  I found myself laughing it all off in conversations where I had to answer those hard questions.  There was so much more to the decision to stop birth control…and yet it never felt right to go so deep into the reason I felt I was obeying God and allowing Him access to every area of our lives.

Our daughter was born and we again wrestled with the “what should we do now?!?”  My husband had gotten a full time job after deciding Seminary was no longer a path he was being called to.  I stayed home with our daughter and worked part-time both in and out of our home.  I went on the mini-pill & went off it a few weeks later….(how had I not learned my lesson before….hormonal pills just DO NOT work with my body...and we will NEVER be using them again.)  We used natural family planning and eventually switched to barrier methods. (sorry family members who aren’t interested in the specifics!)  We so desperately wanted to trust God…but we were broke.  We prayed that the Lord would make it known to us when to “try” again, but we mostly believed it wouldn’t be until financial situations changed.

My husband had taken a day off shortly after our daughter turned one to paint our guest room and work on other projects in our new-to-us home.  I joked that I might be pregnant and that’s why I couldn’t help paint.  We both laughed, thinking it was impossible considering we were utilizing methods that are like 98% effective?  On my drive to Wal-Mart to get groceries…I suddenly thought through the last few days and came to the quick realization that I actually could be pregnant.  I bought a test and took it right there in the Wal-Mart restroom.

 “pregnant.”  I think I might have laughed as I sat in the bathroom.  I drove home and handed the test to my husband, who, at that point thought I was handing him a positive test from my first pregnancy.  When he realized I was serious, the largest smile I have ever seen stretched across his face.

…Here we were, actively preventing and yet still very much pregnant.  I braced myself knowing I would face more questions…and more unspoken judgment.  This time I was able to answer the  question of “planned vs unplanned” but I still continually felt like I missed the mark.  Sure, we weren’t planning to get pregnant…but we had also prayed that God would make it known to us when we should have a baby…so, yeah…the pregnancy was planned.  9 times out of 10 I just answered “nope!”and laughed at the idea we had become pregnant while spending money trying to prevent that from happening.

Through this all I felt increasingly uneasy.  In every conversation in which I talk about having two babies in less than two years, I’m always met with surprise…and I get that!  I share in their surprise!  But, I feel uneasy because I’m never able to articulate how unbelievably sure my husband and I are in the timing of our current children.  Sure, the money is even less there than it was a year ago….but God has so faithfully timed when these two beautiful babies would enter our lives, that the whole money equation shouldn’t even factor into it.....

I feel like if I'm to trust God...and allow Him sovereign control over every area of my life...including whether or not I get pregnant....shouldn't I also believe that He is big enough to walk through the journey with us and provide for our needs...even if it isn't in ways we expect?  I mean, He's already proven Himself faithful in that...so why do I worry now?

Right?

(stay tuned for part 3!)

Our children were not "planned"

(this is part 1...I wrote so much it needed three separate posts!)

No, in fact, they were wonderful answers to prayer.

 Before I go any further, let me say this…..this is our journey, our faith story, our convictions, our struggles, our wrestled with thoughts.  Please hear it as such, and not as anything else.

 When I walked down the aisle almost three years ago, my soon to be husband and I were in agreement that we would start thinking about trying for a baby when we celebrated our two year anniversary.  He would finish Seminary while I continued to work full time.  We would save as much money as we could and we would hopefully be in a house by that point.  While we knew we wanted a large family, we also wanted to enjoy married life without being burdened with children yet.

 About a month later we were driving home from a wedding of some dear friends.  I had been struggling a lot with feeling as though God was tugging at my heart.  I began to share these struggles with my husband.  Imagine my surprise when God had been nudging him about the exact same things!  We both felt trapped.  We felt as though we were so certain of how the next 2.5 years of our marriage would work out that we were leaving very little room to truly trust God to work in our marriage and lay the foundation of our future.  We felt convicted about our attitude towards not wanting children…yet.  We felt uncertain about our future career plans…(this would later be made QUITE clear that this was not an intended direction after all.)  We felt….we felt we needed to surrender one particular area of our lives to God.

I went off the pill….almost as quickly as I had went on it.  Honestly, it was making me sick and causing a whole host of other problems.  We believed our doctor when she said it could take several months.  We were not trying, nor were we preventing.  We were trusting.

Two sweet pink lines showed up on the same day America elected Barack Obama to office.  I was shocked, scared & delighted….all at the same time.  We were starting a family, and yet, we had barely unpacked from our Honeymoon. 

Thoughts of “what will people think” flooded my heart before the test was even dry.  I knew what they would think….because I’ve been on the opposite side as well.  And we had to answer questions…the worst was/is “was she planned?”  There were several times that I cried to my husband that people would always think our daughter was an “accident.”  In our minds, she was just the beginning stage of a deep faith journey God was about to take us on. 

She was planned by Him…a gift to us….to know Him more…..

stay tuned for parts 2 & 3

Why facebook makes me a better person...

Just the sheer title of this post is likely to elicit a giggle or two….I get it. Trust me, I’ll be the first to confess that I waste obscene amounts of time on facebook, reading blogs & obsessively checking my email. Thankfully I live in a world where iphone’s exist & I can nurse my habit while nursing my baby. Anyways, back to my point: facebook makes me a better person.


I created my account in my cozy little dorm room during my junior year of college. I posted obscure status updates with hidden meanings like all the other cool kids and I profusely complained that “dead week” was never REALLY “dead” at all. I friended all sorts of people, joined countless groups & spent days trying to figure out just what “poking” was. (for the record, I still don’t have an answer and I still think it’s rather ridiculous.)

The truth is, I’ve been committed to my facebook account longer than I’ve been to my husband. And like any good relationship, my connection to the social network has evolved over the years. My facebook time used to be purely an excuse to put off reading assignments, waste time at work (gasp!) or even forego sleep to partake in affectionate stalking. It is now my outlet to the world, which, to some is just ridiculous and people will protest that no one picks up their phone (or their pen) to communicate anymore.

Have a question about a child’s illness? Need an idea for dinner? Trying to find a good deal on toothpaste? Within about five minutes I am guaranteed a response on ANY question I post to my facebook account. I am given the opportunity to regularly humble myself when I need advice & to gracefully respond to others as well.

When I’m awake (and irritated) at five in the morning because I’m feeding a baby I can pop on over & be thankful (and convicted of my negative attitude!) when I discover another friend is up with a sick child. When my friend mentions on facebook that her son broke his leg, I am able to pray for her every time she comes to mind…or pops up in my newsfeed.

When I recognize an opportunity to encourage a friend, I’m able to do so….even if it’s limited to a 500 word comment. Sure, I’d love to take her out for ice cream….but in that moment, I can do that one simple thing & pray that it’ll make at least a bit of difference. I know that after a hard day, those simple encouraging comments from other mommas can make me feel like I have the energy to get up and do it all over again in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I desire in person connection over internet-enabled ones any day! But for now, I am so thankful for any little outlet I can have with the outside world….even if I have to request to be your friend first.