…my faith in the whole “let’s trust God’s timing” began to shift. I found myself laughing it all off in conversations where I had to answer those hard questions. There was so much more to the decision to stop birth control…and yet it never felt right to go so deep into the reason I felt I was obeying God and allowing Him access to every area of our lives.
Our daughter was born and we again wrestled with the “what should we do now?!?” My husband had gotten a full time job after deciding Seminary was no longer a path he was being called to. I stayed home with our daughter and worked part-time both in and out of our home. I went on the mini-pill & went off it a few weeks later….(how had I not learned my lesson before….hormonal pills just DO NOT work with my body...and we will NEVER be using them again.) We used natural family planning and eventually switched to barrier methods. (sorry family members who aren’t interested in the specifics!) We so desperately wanted to trust God…but we were broke. We prayed that the Lord would make it known to us when to “try” again, but we mostly believed it wouldn’t be until financial situations changed.
My husband had taken a day off shortly after our daughter turned one to paint our guest room and work on other projects in our new-to-us home. I joked that I might be pregnant and that’s why I couldn’t help paint. We both laughed, thinking it was impossible considering we were utilizing methods that are like 98% effective? On my drive to Wal-Mart to get groceries…I suddenly thought through the last few days and came to the quick realization that I actually could be pregnant. I bought a test and took it right there in the Wal-Mart restroom.
“pregnant.” I think I might have laughed as I sat in the bathroom. I drove home and handed the test to my husband, who, at that point thought I was handing him a positive test from my first pregnancy. When he realized I was serious, the largest smile I have ever seen stretched across his face.
…Here we were, actively preventing and yet still very much pregnant. I braced myself knowing I would face more questions…and more unspoken judgment. This time I was able to answer the question of “planned vs unplanned” but I still continually felt like I missed the mark. Sure, we weren’t planning to get pregnant…but we had also prayed that God would make it known to us when we should have a baby…so, yeah…the pregnancy was planned. 9 times out of 10 I just answered “nope!”and laughed at the idea we had become pregnant while spending money trying to prevent that from happening.
Through this all I felt increasingly uneasy. In every conversation in which I talk about having two babies in less than two years, I’m always met with surprise…and I get that! I share in their surprise! But, I feel uneasy because I’m never able to articulate how unbelievably sure my husband and I are in the timing of our current children. Sure, the money is even less there than it was a year ago….but God has so faithfully timed when these two beautiful babies would enter our lives, that the whole money equation shouldn’t even factor into it.....
I feel like if I'm to trust God...and allow Him sovereign control over every area of my life...including whether or not I get pregnant....shouldn't I also believe that He is big enough to walk through the journey with us and provide for our needs...even if it isn't in ways we expect? I mean, He's already proven Himself faithful in that...so why do I worry now?
(stay tuned for part 3!)