Maybe it's the hormones from pregnancy. Maybe it's the reality that tragedy exists.
Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't watch Lifetime movies...or movies like "Raising Helen" when I'm nearly 7 months pregnant. Regardless, that was the phrase I tearfully said to my husband the other night before drifting off to sleep.
This was the conclusion of what started out as a harmless, almost joking, conversation with my brother-in-law a few hours prior. God forbid something ever happens to both my sister and brother-in-law, my husband and I will step up and try to fill the mighty big shoes of these incredible two people...as guardians to four additional kiddos. My brother-in-law has often joked about this responsibility, and the mortgage that comes along with it.
My husband and I have talked off and on about the reality of needing to have something in writing, God forbid something ever happens to the both of us. We have no monetary possessions that people would fight about, but with so many people that love our daughter--we want our wishes to be clear. It's in these conversations I feel like I see the desires for our child (ren) for the future, and pray that the Lord will make my husband and I a part of them.
Obviously we desire for our children to be exposed to the love of Jesus that has rescued the two of us, but the more I express what I would want to happen, the more I realize the issue goes much further for women than it does for men. (though I will say my husband and I have generally been in agreement about what we want) Practically speaking, our children could have multiple options of people to love them in our absence---but last night it became clear to me what I've been trying to express in all these conversations with my husband.
It's what Helen's sister wanted. (Seriously, I've watched this movie about four times in the past month. :) Helen wasn't necessarily the obvious choice, she was who her sister felt could represent her the best in her absence.
Simply stated: I want our "fill-in" parents to be able to be the best representation of the kind of mom I am and desire to be. I want them to be able to share stories of my husband and I; stories of growth, humor, sadness, change, love, etc. I want them to let my kids get messy, stay up late just because, crawl in bed on the weekends and watch cartoons, take impromptu trips to the park/library/wal-mart, read books to even when there "isn't time," etc.
If my kids can't have me, I want them to have what I feel would be the best representation of me.
...even if it means they have to move into a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn because that's all the new guardians can afford once they've taken them all on.
(and if you haven't seen this movie, you should watch it...)