Good enough for now...

That's the phrase I recite to myself all day long, "it's good enough...for now."  This is the state of mind with which I'm living in---and will likely be in---for awhile.

Jack had his appointment with the failure to thrive clinic last week---it went well, considering our fears going in.  Jack is 5 1/2 months now and at his appointment he weighed 11lbs, 6 oz (a 1/2 oz gain in 2 weeks)We still have no answers...but we have some direction, a plan of sorts.  Jack showed off and flashed smiles, giggled and just talked up a storm.  We heard the same things "he looks amazing!", "he's on track", "his physical exam presents no concerns."  All incredibly awesome things to hear.  They spoke of three potential causes off the top of their heads---1.)problems with his reflux (ie: the medicine is no longer working and that could somehow be hindering weight gain)  2.) he has a higher metabolic rate and therefore needs far more calories (there's no way to test for this) 3.)There could be a problem with how his body is absorbing nutrients.

So, we go back in about a week with a stool sample to test for problems concerning proper absorption and in the meantime we are continuing supplementing after every nursing session, only this time we were given a equation to concentrate the calories (think more powder, less water) in an effort to see if a higher calorie intake is necessary.

After months of feeling like I was doing something wrong, I left this appointment feeling respected as a parent and felt like I was heard, really heard.  I needed that.  I needed to hear from a medical professional that I wasn't ruining my child--and that there were several plausible explanations.  I'm hoping the addition of calories will bring a high weight gain and that a higher metabolic rate really is to "blame." 

In the meantime, fall activities have started up---the Mr. is still working two jobs---and the toddler is in the midst of those "terrible twos" that we have heard so much about.  Life around here is challenging right now, and that's putting it lightly!

So, for now...our motto is "it's good enough for now."  I'm fighting hard against comparing myself to all those fictional moms who "have it all together" and focusing on what really matters in this season of life---and right now, that's getting and keeping Jack healthy.

And what about all those other things I talk about so often?  Well, to be honest....I haven't used a coupon since July--true story!  And you know what, it's been a nice break and because of our couponing efforts in previous months, we also haven't done hardly any grocery shopping---except for perishable items.  Let me tell you, that's such a welcome relief to have "one less thing to worry about"  In coming months I'm going to have to "jump back in" to couponing to re-build our stockpile, but for now...we're enjoying the fruits of our labor.

As for a cleaning schedule....that went out the window when Jack was born and I haven't made my way back to it.  Our house doesn't get as "deep cleaned", dusted, or vacuumed a week as I'd like it to....but the "good enough for now" principle applies here as well.  I want us back on a schedule, and we'll get there...because it does make life easier...but for now, it's ok if the bedrooms don't get dusted one week....or we only grab the vacuum when we have animal cookie heads to sweep up.

And the cloth diapers?  That is one that has stuck!  Aside from church events and Jack overnight--our kids are in cloth diapers full time.  Yes, it's a bit more work....but it's something that is forcing me to slow down a bit and enjoy the one on one time with my kids---even if it is during a diaper change.  We've been rapidly adding to our stash without spending more money and I've been working to convert some very well-loved diapers.  I'd love to do a whole post on that....someday.

With three more Doctor's appointments on the calendar before the end of the month, my husband's long work-hours and two little ones that seem a little "high-needs" these days, I'm working hard to accept that "good enough for now" is really "exceptional for now!"  I pray if you find yourself in discouraging, hectic or stressful circumstances that you too would find the peace that comes from letting some things just....go

in the dark and on my heart.

I have a running list of things I want to blog about----our successes in cloth diapering, how awesome my two kids are, our struggles in trusting God, my attempts to save us even more money & the ever popular "oh my stars will I ever sleep again?!" type posts.

But, much like my home sits in shambles most days---this blog goes neglected.  Simply stated, there's a huge lack of desire---and an even larger lack of time.  However, today all those excuses are tossed out the window when I just simply need a place to process some frustrations and discouragement.  Lucky you, I process well (and find great comfort) in expressing these thoughts through writing.  Lucky me, a friend reminded me that my blog can be an incredibly freeing place to share these frustrations.  So, today you get raw---you get un-edited feelings---you get what's on my heart without all the cute packaging.

Today, like most days lately, I'm feeling "in the dark."  I've shared before our struggles with nursing both kiddos and I've shared recently about Jack's inability to put on any weight.  You'll recall that he weighed in at a whopping 9lbs, 9oz at birth.  He lost nearly a pound within that first week---but at five months he was only at 11lbs, 5 oz. 

Now, there's no real indication if the two struggles go hand in hand.  Here's what I do know---until four months, I exclusively nursed Jack.  He has several wet diapers a day, has an "appropriate" amount of dirty diapers, interacts with others, is hydrated, appears developmentally on track, and up until he started teething (side note: still not sure the screaming is a result of ACTUAL teeth)---he's been a pretty happy guy (post colic/reflux of course)  At our four month appointment our doctor told us to nurse every three hours (which is about what we were doing)--I decided to additionally add in 4oz of formula supplementation a day (sometimes more).  After a month of doing all that, we saw a 4 oz weight gain....total.

I'm pretty sure my heart sank when they put Jack on the scale a few weeks back and those numbers flashed back at me.  Thankfully I was too exhausted to shed any tears of frustration---I saved those for my husband.  To be honest, that day (and really still today) I feel like I am somehow doing something wrong---that I am to blame for my son's lack of weight gain.  Primarily I feel that way because there is no other explanation at this point.

We've been referred to a special children's clinic that works with failure to thrive babies.  (even saying that phrase gets to me!)  We recieved our bright colored pamphlet (I think that's to make it feel more cheery?) along with all the necessary paperwork to complete prior to our two hour initial appointment where a team will "work with us" to "develop weight gain goals" and "identify potential issues" so that we can be "actively involved" in determining what is causing inadequate weight gain.

Now, this could all be a really simple answer----or, what we fear is that it could be something far more complicated.  There are some other concerns/symptoms we have that we've shared with our doctor that go along with Jack's lack of weight gain.  We just don't know....and it's that "in the dark" feeling that feels totally isolating.  We have waited two weeks and we know after this next appointment we'll likely have to wait some more.  If you know me, you know I am the least patient person in the world and that I've been web-md-ing the "situation"

It's been a humbing experience.  To read friends and family post about similarly aged kiddos and how big they've gotten just makes me have to fight bitterness....and feelings of feeling sorry for myself "why do their kids gain weight and my son can't?!"  When others tell me "how big Jack's getting"  I feel like I'm biting my tongue---because it's just not true---and I'm assuming that's the nicer thing to say then "why is your nearly six month old so skinny??"  And I'm embarassed to admit how prideful I have been when it comes to answering particular questions or upon being told we would be meeting with a team---which included a social worker.  "a social worker?  I'm not one of those people that starves my kids"  True story...exact thoughts spoken out loud to my husband.  (side note, praise God for the patient husband listening to all my thoughts!)

So, there's the story---raw, un-edited without any fancy wrapping.  In reality, it is such a miniscule problem to be dealing with---but when you're in it and feeling the judgement, questions, and opinions surrounding it---it somehow becomes a much bigger problem.

In the meantime, we continue to pray for quick answers and for humbled hearts.  For God to strengthen us and for us to recognize that Jack is His son first.  For God to equip us as parents to handle whatever comes our way (simple answer or complex)...and really, for God to continue to use this experience to make me more aware and strip away at my prideful, "better than you" complex.

3 years

~August 16th, 2008~

"From this day forward, I Rachel, receive you Jonathan, to be my husband. 

With kindness, trust, and unselfishness, I will walk by your side and encourage you as we follow God’s plan for our lives.

I promise to love you, pray for you, honor you, and always remain faithful to you. 

I promise to respect you and protect you from harm, to be truthful and to cherish you always,

By loving you Faithfully: In times of joy and in times of sadness, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of surplus and in times of shortage, in times of blessing and in times of doubt, until our Heavenly Father calls me home.                          

     This is my solemn vow.



Three years ago I put on the most beautiful dress I had ever laid eyes on and recited the vows we had written ourselves with a man that caputured my heart.  We wrote our vows because we knew what we wanted to commit to one another.  Looking back at these, we had no idea what God had in store for us in three short years.  Two career changes, a "new to us" car, a "new to us" home, two precious babies, financial struggles, relational highs and lows, unexpected personal and spiritual growth, the merging of two families & a kind of love I never expected to receive.  These photos highlight the most beautiful and shocking moments of marriage for us (um, two babies in three years?!)---and yet in them, I know the footprints of the struggles that have awaited us and that we have tackled painfully head on.  Marriage is hard....and it can certainly even be painful.  But I believe with all my heart that marriage is a gift, truly designed to bless us, challenge us & bring us closer in intimacy with our Heavenly Father.  It has certainly been all those things for me.

To the man that has seen me at my worst---and loved me at his best--words cannot express how lucky I feel to be your bride and the mother of your children.  Even in what seems like such an ordinary life, you make me feel extraordinary.  Every struggle has resulted in a triumph....I am ever so thankful to be your partner as we journey through life together.  I meant those words three years ago, and I mean them today.  I pray we will both feel freedom in the commitment we made before God to each other.  Can't wait for the next surprise......(another baby, perhaps?) :)

**wedding photos courtesy of Mark Sorenson Photography**

Two and four

Two years & four months, that is.

 On July 8^th (yes, a month ago!) Lucy turned two years old!  Her special day started with streamers hanging from her door & her very own birthday balloon.  Jonathan took her out for donuts AND she got McDonalds for lunch.  We celebrated that evening with a zoo themed party.

 So what is she up to???  She is 30 lb (85%) & 33.5 in (45%).  She is talking up a storm & just starting to combine two words together.  She can make lots of animal noises, but her favorite is an elephant.  She walks around hunched over with her arms dangling pretending to be “george” (curious George) She insists on putting on her tutto, plastic dress shoes and cowboy hat EVERY SINGLE DAY.  She loves “chooes” and thinks saltine crackers are “coookeees”.  She loves her Daddy and insists that he crawl on the floor and play with her the moment he walks in the door.  She’s showing some interest in the potty, but we aren’t really pushing the issue.  She is still very attached to her Ellie and loves her “bay-beee ja” (baby jack!)  She is a funny, lovable & super sweet little girl.  I love seeing her personality unfold.  She is certainly outgoing, unreserved & easily excited.  She’s tough!  Even when she falls down hard she just brushes her self off and keeps going!  It’s an absolute joy watching her explore her world and there are several bittersweet moments we have experienced as she gains independence.  I am anxious to continue to see her learn new things!

On to Jack….

 
Jack turned four months old on the 26^th.  He is our little guy in terms of weight but is the cuddliest and sweetest little baby ever!  At four months Jack is 11lbs 1oz (2%) & 23.75 in (15%).  (You'll recall that he was 9 1/2pounds at birth)  He’ll be checked again in a few weeks to see how he’s doing on weight, but that is the only area he seems “behind” in.  Jack loves to cuddle and will flash his smile at anyone!  He discovered his voice over a month ago and will talk at length with anyone willing to lay there long enough.  He started rolling over both ways at three months and has been on the move ever since.  He literally will just roll across a room if you let him!  He likes to follow people with his eyes and will track you wherever you go.  When up on his belly he lifts his head and will almost “belly crawl” enough to move himself as well.  It is a total delight to get to have a second baby in our home and see just how different he is from Lucy!  Earlier this week he started laughing officially which just brightens my day even more!

crying over poured milk...

It’s no secret that breastfeeding a child can be both enjoyable & terribly frustrating.  For me, my experiences tend toward the painfully frustrating.

I was convinced that breastfeeding would be simple, wonderful & effective.  I knew the benefits and I had seen plenty of mothers nurse their babies successfully.  In fact, when my daughter was born I hadn’t heard of a single woman that struggled.  Imagine my surprise when my nursing relationship with my daughter got off to a rocky start.  She was born at 9lbs & by the time we left the hospital she had lost nearly 10% of her weight.  She was very jaundice and had become dehydrated as well.  Supplementation was ordered in order to help kick start her systems. She had further problems gaining weight. She received at least half of her feedings via formula until 7 months when I decided I was over the frustration of making that little bit of milk I was getting for her.

 With my son I thought for sure things would go better.  By the time he was 48 hours old, he had already lost over 10% of his weight and by 3 days old he was down to 12%.  His problems were different.  No jaundice but somehow he had a lot of mucus in his little body that he was vomiting up…followed by anything he had ate.  Zantac started helping those issues and our exclusive nursing relationship was starting to look up.  He’s satisfied, happy & developmentally exceeding expectations.  But he’s not gaining….like at all.  At over four months of age, he weights 1 ½ pounds more than he did at birth.  We know I don’t have an abundance of milk, but there is milk.  We’ve “checked” all the ways (dirty diapers, pumping, skin color, etc) to see if he’s actually getting milk.  All systems say “yes”---for the most part.  But he is still not putting on weight.

That news is absolutely devastating.  As a mother who believes in the importance of breastfeeding….to know that your child is not gaining weight from YOUR milk…well, it can make you feel quite inadequate.  Toss in the fact that you now have a distracted eater, a grumpy toddler & a tired momma and that whole problem just escalates.

Yesterday I had had it.  Jack was hungry and I felt totally unable to sit down and feed him.  I had no pumped milk on hand---but I needed a break.  The formula companies thrive on these moments….and as I stood in the kitchen with my husband debating what to do, I decided I needed to give him a bottle of formula.  I NEEDED a break.  Jack NEEDED a break too. 

 And so I mixed that bottle, tears in my eyes feeling like a total failure.  Why couldn’t I work through this?  Why couldn’t I get over the hump?  My husband noticed quickly how upset I was and even his reassuring words weren’t enough to make me feel like I wasn't failing my son.

But I sat down with that bottle and Jack looked me in the eyes and gripped my finger tight through the entire feeding.  I immediately relaxed.  He was being nurtured from milk that I made…. even if it came in the form of a packet or can.

Head in the clouds...

August two. 

Whoa….how did THAT happen?!  July sort of just “took me by surprise…”  It’s been a wild month filled with fireworks, birthdays, challenges, new routines & lots of laundry. In fact, I only used three coupons the entire month and that happened on July 31^st. You all only heard from me once in July, and that was in a desperate plea for advice.   Since Jack’s birth, we’ve struggled to maintain any sort of schedule around here, cleaning or otherwise.  I wanted to adapt our old schedule, but I also knew that I would just have to adapt…again…once new activities began.

 As a result of that and my husband putting in an extra twenty hours a week at a second job, keeping up with anything has become a huge struggle.

 We need order.  As much as I pride myself on things that are “anti-order”, I’m also very much an organized and detail kind of gal. I like things clean & organized, even with the chaotic clutter of children.  That’s been lacking here and I am tired of spending my days playing catch-up.

 So, august second becomes my fresh start.  We’re working on a new schedule around here, a new way to try and maintain some semblance of order.  We’re figuring out how to stay on top of laundry…even with three extra loads a week (or more!) of cloth diapers.  We’re deciding how to organize our time so that when my husband is home, we’re able to make that quality family time.  We’re challenging ourselves with new monthly goals that take us a bit out of our comfort zone and provide some good accountability. We’re tackling creative projects that have long sat on to-do lists. We’re focusing on essentials & shutting out the noise.  We’re engaging our minds with God’s word & books, and not just “resting” in the comfort of television and the internet.  We’re trusting God in the “in-between” of life right now….in the “what might happen” as we explore some new and exciting opportunities that will for sure add further challenges.

 
We’re getting back in the swing of things.

To wake the baby or not....

Ok....so I'm taking a brief hiatus from writing (if that wasn't obvious before)  BUT....I need some good ol' mom advice!

Jack is approaching four months.  At three months he rolled over for the first time (belly to back)---and within days was rolling both ways....and all over the place during the night.  (shockingly I have yet to actually see him roll over in person!)  He still likes to be swaddled to fall asleep (but gets mad if it's too tight that he can't bust out and roll over!)---but he'll still roll to his belly to sleep. 

As a result, he's napping...for hours.  Maybe it's a growth spurt...maybe I'm hyper-concerned that he's too skinny....maybe this is just what babies do....

But, do I wake him to eat?  To I let him sleep until he indicates he's ready to eat (even if that means going 5 hours?)

While Lucy was rolling at three months, she never rolled to her belly in the middle of the night until well past 6 months.....she was also a cat napper and never slept longer than an hour or so.  Also, Lucy was supplemented with formula and breast milk (but essentially we always knew how much she was eating)

Lucy went through a skinny phase as well (shocking!) at this exact time that I feel Jack is on the light side.

We don't go to the doctor for another few weeks...so I'm not sure how much Jack weighs (and I'm not real interested in lugging both kids out the door to try and get a weight)

So, do I let him sleep?  Do I wake him?  Do I keep pumping milk every four hours if he doesn't wake?